I am a horrible blogger. But I'm better as a blogger than I am at other writing because, as little as I do it, I'm still more proficient as a blogger than as any other type of writer. But if there is one thing I'm good at, it's watching TV. I can watch the hell out of some TV. Especially if it's football on TV. The emerging theme of this season in college football (and to some extent the NFL) is that football in the state of Florida is no longer even able to pretend that it's the best. This is an untenable situation for my football viewing habits. I can't stand to have football in Florida be so bad for much longer and continue watching.
Well, there are some things I like in college football and there are some guys on the fringe/all the way outside of the Heisman race (as evidenced by the poll at heismanpundit.com) that I want to try my best to hype up. First, my new favorite name:
Whitney Mercilus, DE, Illinois
One of the ways I look for what games I want to watch is to peruse the stat leaders and look for players that are way up in certain categories. This guy plays for Illinois and their record is good but it's still Illinois and they're still coached by Zooker. It's a tough situation but what a great fucking name, am I right? He's got decent size and had a good 40 time on his Rivals page out of high school so Mercilus might have a future in the league. I'll be watching the Ohio State game next week to try and get an honest idea about the guy. Obviously he isn't a Heisman candidate but he's getting lots of sacks and TFLs so he should be up for a little bit of hardware in December.
Tyrann Mathieu, CB, LSU
Everybody who watches college football knows this guy by now but every week he makes some huge play or another and he looks like the annual defense/anti-Heisman favorite (it's usually the same guy but sometimes there's a defensive player that gets throwaway votes that is separate from the small school "rebel" candidate). He's probably more like a smaller Jairus Byrd than anyone else in the NFL but he'll end up in the first two rounds because of his production. Also, Jairus Byrd is really good so that isn't meant as an insult. He's only a sophomore and LSU is really good so you don't need much from me to hype him up. But he probably deserves legit Heisman consideration and he won't get it.
Lamar Miller, RB, Miami
I'm cheating a little bit here, also, because Lamar is a hype-machine just waiting for some wins. If the Canes had pulled out wins against Virginia Tech and Kansas State (they really should have, btw) Miller would be in the national discussion for the Heisman. He's a redshirt sophomore so he will probably be gone next year. Miami could have some trouble replacing him. I'm sticking with my Clinton Portis comparison for him. I really kind of hate Storm Johnson for fucking up the Hurricanes RB depth like he did. I'm expecting a 2,000 yard season from Storm next year.
Seantrel Henderson, T, Miami
Now is the time for front running. Art Kehoe and a healthy Seantrel should be enough for 9-10 wins next year in Coral Gables. Seantrel had one dumb penalty yesterday but was otherwise a fucking monster every play he was on the field. He reminds me of Orlando Pace a lot. He needs to lose some weight, though. Seantrel will be a top 5 draft pick if he stays healthy from here til he leaves school.
Robert Woods, WR, USC
He's pretty good. I've seen him play and I think he's a good pro prospect. So many underperforming Trojans in the league lately have made me weary of hyping any of them but Woods looks like a future Pro Bowler to me.
Bernard Pierce, RB, Temple/ Case Keenum, QB Houston
He's still out there. My feelings have faded but other people still haven't watched him play at all. His numbers will make people notice at the end of the year. This goes for both of these guys. Both will be gone after this season. Keenum will finally be forced to leave, Pierce will jump a year too early. Neither one will be much of a star in the NFL unless absolutely everything aligns perfectly. I'm not banking on it for either of them anymore.
OK, this is all pretty underwhelming but I wanted to start the process of following Mercilus. It's just too good of a name.
Showing posts with label hype. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hype. Show all posts
Sunday, October 09, 2011
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Big College Football Conference-by-Conference Season and Heisman Predictions
Look, I'm not gonna tell you I have any intention of giving you good advice. I think this is a half-informed batch of guesses. But I do watch lots of football and I read about sports constantly. Who are you to read this? I don't think you exist so I'll be honest: this year won't even be as informed or desparate as last year. Last year nobody read this blog but I was unemployed and had every channel DirecTV offers at my disposal. This year I'm back at my old job and super-depressed. But I don't even have my DirecTV shit set up yet. Right now we're on what's called the "Family Package." What does that mean? No channels with any potential entertainment value. Families don't go for shit like that. This will be as quick as possible. Not a lot of write-up, just a bunch of lists. Records listed are for regular season only, conference record in parentheses. Let's get this under way, shall we?
ACC
Miami will finally rule the ACC. I believe it even more than I'm hoping for it. I expect it. The Canes are back to being loaded at every position. They'll be screwed this year if Jacory Harris gets hurt but they could still win the conference. That's at least as much an indictment of Christian Ponder and Butch Davis and Georgia Tech in general as it is a vote of confidence in the overall depth at The U. But this Hurricanes team is at the highest talent level they've had in at least 7 years. They remind me of the 2000 squad more than anything else.
ATLANTIC
Florida State, 9-3 (7-1)
Boston College, 8-4 (5-3)
Wake Forest, 7-5 (4-4)
Clemson, 7-5 (4-4)
Maryland, 6-6 (3-5)
N.C. State, 4-8 (1-7)
COASTAL
Miami, 11-1 (8-0)
Virginia Tech, 10-2 (6-2)
North Carolina, 8-4 (5-3)
Georgia Tech, 7-5 (4-4)
Duke, 4-8 (1-7)
Virginia, 3-9 (0-8)
Title Game: Miami over FSU
BIG XII
Nebraska's last season in the Big XII. Last season of 12 teams. What do they call it next year? No more title game since they won't have the minimum necessary for that. But that's next year! Can Nebraska come out on top for a going away present? No! Oklahoma will take it. Yep, that's right. Not Texas. Not Texas A&M. Oklahoma. Last year was a fluke and this year will be business as usual.
NORTH
Nebraska, 10-2 (6-2)
Kansas State, 7-5 (4-4)
Missouri, 6-6 (3-5)
Iowa State, 5-7 (3-5)
Kansas, 4-8 (1-7)
Colorado, 3-9 (1-7)
SOUTH
Oklahoma, 11-1 (8-0)
Texas, 10-2 (7-1)
Oklahoma State, 9-3 (6-2)
Texas A&M, 7-5 (5-3)
Texas Tech, 6-6 (4-4)
Baylor, 1-11 (0-8)
Title Game: Oklahoma over Nebraska
BIG EAST
This conference is not as bad as people think but it could end up in some disarray this year. Pitt is the obvious choice to win it with West Virginia the only likely contender. But there's a chance that UConn, USF or one of the other losers steps up and wins this thing. There's always a chance, though, and it isn't going to be taken. Cincinnati will fall back to earth. Good riddance.
Pitt, 10-2 (6-1)
WestVirginia 9-3 (5-2)
UConn,7-5 (4-3)
USF, 7-5 (3-4)
Cincinnati, 6-6 (3-4)
Rutgers, 5-7 (3-4)
Syracuse, 5-7 (2-5)
Louisville, 4-8 (2-5)
BIG 10
The other one that needs to change its name. I hate the Big 10. I hate every team in it, from an entertainment value standpoint. I want to choose Wisconsin to win it but that would be stupid. Ohio State has to be the best team here, don't they?
Ohio State, 11-1 (8-0)
Wisconsin, 10-2 (7-1)
Penn State, 8-4 (5-3)
Purdue, 7-5 (5-3)
Iowa, 7-5 (5-3)
Michigan, 6-6 (5-3)
Michigan State, 6-6 (4-4)
Minnesota, 4-8 (2-6)
Northwestern, 4-8 (2-6)
Illinois, 3-9 (1-7)
Indiana, 1-11 (0-8)
CONFERENCE USA
Look, some of these are gonna be a crap shoot, OK? I don't really know the schedules at all and some of these conferences just barely exist. Can I put Case Keenum on the Heisman short list when his team is terrible and in a terrible conference? You're goddamed, right I can.
EAST
East Carolina, 9-3 (6-2)
UCF, 7-5 (5-3)
Southern Miss, 7-5 (4-4)
Marshall, 6-6 (4-4)
Memphis, 5-7 (3-5)
UAB, 3-9 (2-6)
WEST
Houston, 11-1 (8-0)
SMU, 8-4 (5-3)
Tulane, 5-7 (4-4)
Tulsa, 5-7 (3-5)
Rice, 4-8 (3-5)
UTEP, 2-10 (1-7)
Title Game: Houston over ECU. Big money, baby.
INDEPENDENT
Here's my ridiculous coup. Navy in the Top10 at season's end! Go Middies! Notre Dame will be better this year but still terrible. Ricky Dobbs will win the Heisman that Tommy Frazier should've won.
Navy, 11-1
Notre Dame, 8-4
Army, 4-8
MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE
The original mid-major in basketball has never put up a legit contender in football. This year is not going to make me feel bad about saying: I have no clue who's supposed to be good here and it doesn't matter. 10th-rate conference with no decent bowl affiliations. Nobody cares.
EAST
Temple, 7-5 (6-2)
Buffalo, 7-5 (5-3)
Ohio, 5-7 (4-4)
Akron, 4-8 (4-4)
Bowling Green, 5-7 (4-4)
Miami OH, 4-8 (3-5)
Kent State, 3-9 (3-5)
WEST
Northern Illinois, 8-4 (6-2)
Ball State, 7-5 (5-3)
EMU, 7-5 (4-4)
CMU, 6-6 (4-4)
Toledo, 4-8 (3-5)
WMU, 3-9 (2-6)
Title Game?: Temple, as long as we're just making shit up.
MOUNTAIN WEST
We are just making shit up. I think TCU is a full fledged program at this point so I'll take em to win this conference. I don't have much to base that on, though. I know they fucked up royally in the bowl game against Boise last year. Andy Dalton looked fairly unimpressive upon closer inspection. Maybe he's as good as his numbers this year?
TCU, 11-1 (8-0)
BYU, 8-4 (6-2)
Utah, 8-4 (5-3)
Air Force, 7-5 (5-3)
SDSU, 6-6 (4-4)
Wyoming, 5-7 (4-4)
UNLV, 4-8 (2-6)
CSU, 3-9 (1-7)
New Mexico, 2-10 (1-7)
PAC-10
I want to believe UCLA is the best team here. Or Stanford. But it's really Oregon. And USC isn't even dead yet. It might be a rough year in the Pac 10.
Oregon, 8-4 (6-3)
Stanford, 7-5 (6-3)
Oregon State, 7-5 (6-3)
USC, 7-5 (5-4)
UCLA, 7-5 (5-4)
California, 6-6 (5-4)
Arizona, 6-6 (5-4)
Washington, 6-6 (4-5)
Arizona State, 5-7 (3-6)
Washington State, 1-11 (0-9)
SEC
Tebow's gone. Urban Meyer should've left. Alabama is pretty awesome. LSU is the same every year even when they win the National Championship. Ole Miss and Miss State are horrid. Georgia never wins any big games. I'm sure the final standings will look nothing like this.
EAST
Florida, 9-3 (6-2)
Tennessee, 8-4 (5-3)
South Carolina, 7-5 (5-3)
Georgia, 8-4 (5-3) - I don't think this is how the SEC standings work but I've got Georgia losing the USC, so they're behind them in my book.
Kentucky, 7-5 (4-4)
Vanderbilt, 3-9 (1-7)
WEST
Alabama, 11-1 (7-1)
LSU, 9-3 (6-2)
Auburn, 8-4 (5-3)
Arkansas, 5-7 (2-6)
Ole Miss, 4-8 (2-6)
Miss State, 3-9 (0-8)
Title Game: Alabama over Florida. Like last year but worse. Rompy rompy rompy.
SUN BELT
I made a promise to myself that I would do this whole article.
Arkansas State, 7-5 (6-2)
Troy, 7-5 (6-2)
Florida Atlantic, 7-5 (5-3)
Florida Int'l, 7-5 (4-4)
Louisiana-Monroe, 5-7 (4-4)
Western Kentucky, 4-8 (3-5)
North Texas, 3-9 (3-5)
Middle Tennessee, 3-9 (2-6)
Louisiana - Lafayette, 1-11 (1-7)
So there you have it. Miami beats up an old ghost in the title game by beating Alabama and finally wins the Fiest Bowl.
Heisman list:
Ricky Dobbs, QB, Navy - best network-ready story for the Heisman. If Navy is as good as I hope they are, he'll be in the public eye. He's a great option QB and a future politician. Run, Ricky, Run!
Jacory Harris, QB, Miami - No chance in hell he wins the award. But he'll be the big name for the best team in the country. That gets you invited to New York, if nothing else.
John Clay, RB, Wisconsin - He's really good.
Landry Jones, QB, Oklahoma - He will get much undue credit for bringing Oklahoma back from the brink. It's not his fault. He will put up a ton of stats.
Case Keenum, QB, Houston - I hope he wins it. He is my fave player in college football because he reminds me of the old-timey Run-n-Shoot Houston Cougs. New age Andre Ware. 6,000 yd season is possible and would get him real close.
Others to consider:
Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama
Terrelle Pryor, QB, Ohio State
Brandon Saine, RB, Ohio State
Chris Owusu, WR, Stanford
Jacquizz Rodgers, RB, Oregon State
Dion Lewis, RB, Pitt
Noel Devine, RB, West Virginia
Bernard Pierce, RB, Temple
Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
Andy Dalton, QB, TCU
Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State
Storm Johnson, RB, Miami
Jared Crick, DL, Nebraska
There will be more after the first week. Complete weekly predictions coming tomorrow or Wednesday.
ACC
Miami will finally rule the ACC. I believe it even more than I'm hoping for it. I expect it. The Canes are back to being loaded at every position. They'll be screwed this year if Jacory Harris gets hurt but they could still win the conference. That's at least as much an indictment of Christian Ponder and Butch Davis and Georgia Tech in general as it is a vote of confidence in the overall depth at The U. But this Hurricanes team is at the highest talent level they've had in at least 7 years. They remind me of the 2000 squad more than anything else.
ATLANTIC
Florida State, 9-3 (7-1)
Boston College, 8-4 (5-3)
Wake Forest, 7-5 (4-4)
Clemson, 7-5 (4-4)
Maryland, 6-6 (3-5)
N.C. State, 4-8 (1-7)
COASTAL
Miami, 11-1 (8-0)
Virginia Tech, 10-2 (6-2)
North Carolina, 8-4 (5-3)
Georgia Tech, 7-5 (4-4)
Duke, 4-8 (1-7)
Virginia, 3-9 (0-8)
Title Game: Miami over FSU
BIG XII
Nebraska's last season in the Big XII. Last season of 12 teams. What do they call it next year? No more title game since they won't have the minimum necessary for that. But that's next year! Can Nebraska come out on top for a going away present? No! Oklahoma will take it. Yep, that's right. Not Texas. Not Texas A&M. Oklahoma. Last year was a fluke and this year will be business as usual.
NORTH
Nebraska, 10-2 (6-2)
Kansas State, 7-5 (4-4)
Missouri, 6-6 (3-5)
Iowa State, 5-7 (3-5)
Kansas, 4-8 (1-7)
Colorado, 3-9 (1-7)
SOUTH
Oklahoma, 11-1 (8-0)
Texas, 10-2 (7-1)
Oklahoma State, 9-3 (6-2)
Texas A&M, 7-5 (5-3)
Texas Tech, 6-6 (4-4)
Baylor, 1-11 (0-8)
Title Game: Oklahoma over Nebraska
BIG EAST
This conference is not as bad as people think but it could end up in some disarray this year. Pitt is the obvious choice to win it with West Virginia the only likely contender. But there's a chance that UConn, USF or one of the other losers steps up and wins this thing. There's always a chance, though, and it isn't going to be taken. Cincinnati will fall back to earth. Good riddance.
Pitt, 10-2 (6-1)
WestVirginia 9-3 (5-2)
UConn,7-5 (4-3)
USF, 7-5 (3-4)
Cincinnati, 6-6 (3-4)
Rutgers, 5-7 (3-4)
Syracuse, 5-7 (2-5)
Louisville, 4-8 (2-5)
BIG 10
The other one that needs to change its name. I hate the Big 10. I hate every team in it, from an entertainment value standpoint. I want to choose Wisconsin to win it but that would be stupid. Ohio State has to be the best team here, don't they?
Ohio State, 11-1 (8-0)
Wisconsin, 10-2 (7-1)
Penn State, 8-4 (5-3)
Purdue, 7-5 (5-3)
Iowa, 7-5 (5-3)
Michigan, 6-6 (5-3)
Michigan State, 6-6 (4-4)
Minnesota, 4-8 (2-6)
Northwestern, 4-8 (2-6)
Illinois, 3-9 (1-7)
Indiana, 1-11 (0-8)
CONFERENCE USA
Look, some of these are gonna be a crap shoot, OK? I don't really know the schedules at all and some of these conferences just barely exist. Can I put Case Keenum on the Heisman short list when his team is terrible and in a terrible conference? You're goddamed, right I can.
EAST
East Carolina, 9-3 (6-2)
UCF, 7-5 (5-3)
Southern Miss, 7-5 (4-4)
Marshall, 6-6 (4-4)
Memphis, 5-7 (3-5)
UAB, 3-9 (2-6)
WEST
Houston, 11-1 (8-0)
SMU, 8-4 (5-3)
Tulane, 5-7 (4-4)
Tulsa, 5-7 (3-5)
Rice, 4-8 (3-5)
UTEP, 2-10 (1-7)
Title Game: Houston over ECU. Big money, baby.
INDEPENDENT
Here's my ridiculous coup. Navy in the Top10 at season's end! Go Middies! Notre Dame will be better this year but still terrible. Ricky Dobbs will win the Heisman that Tommy Frazier should've won.
Navy, 11-1
Notre Dame, 8-4
Army, 4-8
MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE
The original mid-major in basketball has never put up a legit contender in football. This year is not going to make me feel bad about saying: I have no clue who's supposed to be good here and it doesn't matter. 10th-rate conference with no decent bowl affiliations. Nobody cares.
EAST
Temple, 7-5 (6-2)
Buffalo, 7-5 (5-3)
Ohio, 5-7 (4-4)
Akron, 4-8 (4-4)
Bowling Green, 5-7 (4-4)
Miami OH, 4-8 (3-5)
Kent State, 3-9 (3-5)
WEST
Northern Illinois, 8-4 (6-2)
Ball State, 7-5 (5-3)
EMU, 7-5 (4-4)
CMU, 6-6 (4-4)
Toledo, 4-8 (3-5)
WMU, 3-9 (2-6)
Title Game?: Temple, as long as we're just making shit up.
MOUNTAIN WEST
We are just making shit up. I think TCU is a full fledged program at this point so I'll take em to win this conference. I don't have much to base that on, though. I know they fucked up royally in the bowl game against Boise last year. Andy Dalton looked fairly unimpressive upon closer inspection. Maybe he's as good as his numbers this year?
TCU, 11-1 (8-0)
BYU, 8-4 (6-2)
Utah, 8-4 (5-3)
Air Force, 7-5 (5-3)
SDSU, 6-6 (4-4)
Wyoming, 5-7 (4-4)
UNLV, 4-8 (2-6)
CSU, 3-9 (1-7)
New Mexico, 2-10 (1-7)
PAC-10
I want to believe UCLA is the best team here. Or Stanford. But it's really Oregon. And USC isn't even dead yet. It might be a rough year in the Pac 10.
Oregon, 8-4 (6-3)
Stanford, 7-5 (6-3)
Oregon State, 7-5 (6-3)
USC, 7-5 (5-4)
UCLA, 7-5 (5-4)
California, 6-6 (5-4)
Arizona, 6-6 (5-4)
Washington, 6-6 (4-5)
Arizona State, 5-7 (3-6)
Washington State, 1-11 (0-9)
SEC
Tebow's gone. Urban Meyer should've left. Alabama is pretty awesome. LSU is the same every year even when they win the National Championship. Ole Miss and Miss State are horrid. Georgia never wins any big games. I'm sure the final standings will look nothing like this.
EAST
Florida, 9-3 (6-2)
Tennessee, 8-4 (5-3)
South Carolina, 7-5 (5-3)
Georgia, 8-4 (5-3) - I don't think this is how the SEC standings work but I've got Georgia losing the USC, so they're behind them in my book.
Kentucky, 7-5 (4-4)
Vanderbilt, 3-9 (1-7)
WEST
Alabama, 11-1 (7-1)
LSU, 9-3 (6-2)
Auburn, 8-4 (5-3)
Arkansas, 5-7 (2-6)
Ole Miss, 4-8 (2-6)
Miss State, 3-9 (0-8)
Title Game: Alabama over Florida. Like last year but worse. Rompy rompy rompy.
SUN BELT
I made a promise to myself that I would do this whole article.
Arkansas State, 7-5 (6-2)
Troy, 7-5 (6-2)
Florida Atlantic, 7-5 (5-3)
Florida Int'l, 7-5 (4-4)
Louisiana-Monroe, 5-7 (4-4)
Western Kentucky, 4-8 (3-5)
North Texas, 3-9 (3-5)
Middle Tennessee, 3-9 (2-6)
Louisiana - Lafayette, 1-11 (1-7)
So there you have it. Miami beats up an old ghost in the title game by beating Alabama and finally wins the Fiest Bowl.
Heisman list:
Ricky Dobbs, QB, Navy - best network-ready story for the Heisman. If Navy is as good as I hope they are, he'll be in the public eye. He's a great option QB and a future politician. Run, Ricky, Run!
Jacory Harris, QB, Miami - No chance in hell he wins the award. But he'll be the big name for the best team in the country. That gets you invited to New York, if nothing else.
John Clay, RB, Wisconsin - He's really good.
Landry Jones, QB, Oklahoma - He will get much undue credit for bringing Oklahoma back from the brink. It's not his fault. He will put up a ton of stats.
Case Keenum, QB, Houston - I hope he wins it. He is my fave player in college football because he reminds me of the old-timey Run-n-Shoot Houston Cougs. New age Andre Ware. 6,000 yd season is possible and would get him real close.
Others to consider:
Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama
Terrelle Pryor, QB, Ohio State
Brandon Saine, RB, Ohio State
Chris Owusu, WR, Stanford
Jacquizz Rodgers, RB, Oregon State
Dion Lewis, RB, Pitt
Noel Devine, RB, West Virginia
Bernard Pierce, RB, Temple
Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
Andy Dalton, QB, TCU
Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State
Storm Johnson, RB, Miami
Jared Crick, DL, Nebraska
There will be more after the first week. Complete weekly predictions coming tomorrow or Wednesday.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
NBA Free Agency Predictions and Rookie Expectations
Back in January I had fully intended to change the focus of the Comedy Corporation from football to basketball. I tailed off on my footballl writing (at least the records keeping part of it) and I didn't really fill that space with anything. One of the main problems I had with it is that I didn't suddenly have NBA Season... pass? Ticket? League... Watcher? Whatever the DirecTV thing is that lets you watch all the basketball in the world. That was really what pushed me into writing all the football posts that I wrote last year. Another giant impediment to my writing lots of words about basketball zaniness was having a job. I'vewritten it before but I will re-iterate now that needing a job is a failure of technology. You know what I say to every Socialism-hating America-loving-but-in-a-totally-self-serving-really-I-only-love-the-piece-of-land-that-I'm-occupying-because-all-the-other-people-that-I-don't-know-can-go-fuck-themselves American that will ever read this? Robots. And fuck you. Because robots should be doing every task on the planet by now. All people should do is eat and sleep while robots take care of us. I digress. The other reason that I didn't write about basketball very much is that I hated almost everything that happened in the NCAA and in the NBA basketball seasons for 2009-2010. Georgetown started off strong, faded in the middle, rallied just enough to make me think they could handle the Toruney and then tanked in the first round. The least talented championship team in major college history won the National Championship and the NBA snored it's way to the most historically probably Finals possible. And the Lakers won. Which is the most common outcome for an NBA season in my lifetime.
So what now? Why now? FREE AGENCY! I love the stupid stories about every single free agent possible ending up in Miami. Really. Lebron, DWade and Chris Bosh together in Miami? I can't wait to see which one sulks his way to a trade first. None of them ending up together and Chris Bosh making max money to lose in New York (Bosh is wildly over-rated as far as impact in the won-lost column) is way more likely. I hate the idea of Lebron leaving Cleveland even while I understand the reasons he might leave. I don't think it really makes a ton of basketball sense for him to leave and I have trouble coming up with a scenario where he and Wade can actually blend into an offensive scheme. Maybe that's OK. I haven't really seen an offense from Miami in a few years. I'm trying to get this all posted before 9pm PDT (PST? It's different at different times of year) when the free agent season kicks off.
Let me go through what I think will happen: Lebron and DWade will stay where they are. Chris Bosh will go to New York. Paul Pierce will end up in New York and everybody will hate him. Dirk Nowitzki can not leave Dallas. He really only fits in with the Lakers and they aren't paying him. New Jersey will get stiffed. A'mare will end up in Chicago and will be terrible for the rest of his career. J.J. Redick will somehow end up being a decent contributor somewhere. Joe Johnson will get tons of money from the Heat and will not help them in any discernible way. Michael Beasley will get traded somewhere and end up being a good player, along the lines of what A'Mare has been but not quite as good as the hype that A'Mare used to get. Beas is too small to really have the impct I thought he would. How does that happen? I could've sworn he was 6'10 coming in to the league but now he's 6'7. Whoops. Oh, well, he's still a 20/10 season or six waiting to happen. If Beas makes it to the homelands (D.C.) the Wizards will be a 50-win team next year. Seriously, I think they're finding honest value out there right now at the expense of some delusional front offices. The Wiz biggest problem is a lack of front court. A bunch of small forwards do not make for a good defense. They're still good enough to win 45 games.Trust me, I'm an idiot. I'm banking on Iverson to get himself together at some point in his life but right now? I think Bubba's done. I think he needs to be one of those born again, John Lucas types if he's going to make the changes in his life that could lead to success on a basketball court. I hate to think it and I'm dying for him to come back and start lighting people up for 20ppg off the bench but it's hard to believe he's that type. The whole thing that makes him Allen Iverson is the world-beater attitude that probably can't hack it as a bench player. He needs to run a team completely or he just can't get into it. That's not a bad thing to say about an athlete. That's the absolute best quality for a star to possess. For Iverson, it hurts him at this stage because he's a midget by NBA standards. He's a skinny dude for regular person standards and he's just been beat up beyond all sense in his career. Still, somebody will sign him this year and he will come apart just that little bit much farther. I hate it.
And that's it for the Free Agency preview. What do you want? Everybody's in cash grab mode right now and the franchises with tons of $$$ to spend don't really have plans. Seriously, look at the Heat. How the fuck are they going to fill their roster if they end up with Wade, Bosh and James? Everybody they sign after that will be at league minimum $$$. That's a disaster waiting to happen. The NBA is fucked up right now because it is impossible to watch a game that isn't dominated by refs. Really, the refs in the NBA have absolutely ruined the game. Also, the Timberwolves have ruined the game. And, as always, fuck Boston.
So here we are with the rookie roundup. I'm going to find a comparison for every player that I name. This is not a statistical comp, just what these guys remind me of. Remember what I said about the Wiz being a playoff-level team next year? I stand by it. It's going to get John Wall a rookie-of-the-year award. He might even deserve it. But he probably will not. He's not a great player. He's a Mike Bibby/Tyreke Evans hybrid. And Tyreke Evans is no Dwyane Wade. What I mean by my comparison is that Wall isn't really a point guard and he's about as good overall as Mike Bibby. Derrick Favors bothers me for some reason. He reminds me way too much of Tyrus Thomas. Evan Turner is like Cal Cheaney. Which is terrible, especially at #2. DeMarcus Cousins really does remind me of Stanley Roberts, which sounds worse than it is. Stanley Roberts was actually a really good basketball player but nobody ever really lit into him the right way. He never looked like he cared all that much. And, if I remember correctly, he drank himself silly. Maybe that's what drove Chris Jackson to become Mahmoud Abdul Rauf. No, I won't explain that for anybody that doesn't just see it and get the connection. I think Cousins is good for his first contract. His downside is Zach Randolph, which is OK as far as production goes but is also frustrating if you happen to be rooting for the team such a player works for. Wes Johnson is a joke. What in the world is wrong with people to expect any kind of NBA level contribution from this guy? Worst pick in a bad draft. He's John Wallace Redux. John Wallace was a goddammed terrible player in the league. Al-Farouq Aminu. I like this guy. I expect him to contribute right away. He's not a star player but he can be a lot like like Tayshaun Prince. Which is very good. Now, we get to my favorite player in the draft. Yes, it's because he's from Georgetown but also because I think his skills are entirely NBA-legit. He's not going to be a great defender but he will be pretty good. He's going to help the Pistons offense way more than people realize now, and probably more than people will realize at the end of the year. He up the offensive efficiency factor for a whole team. I don't really know a good comaprison for him because he played center in college but he's a PF in the pros. Really, his skills are reminiscent of Rik Smits, but Monroe's six inches shorter and, again, will play the 4. It's silly to compare Monroe to Tim Duncan because he's not that good. More like Alonzo Mourning but trade 5ppg for 3apg and there you go. Well, no, because Monroe isn't even in the same class as 'Zo on the defensive side. Hmmm, Smits. Hmmm. Can't think of anybody else that passes as well as Monroe from the post. That's also a pretty good comp for his overall effect on a game. Smits was a totally legit NBA player who didn't score a ton and really made his team work by spacing the court for everybody else but never got a ton of credit because his stats were never great. When Greg Monroe has more assists than John Wall next year, you should only be mildly surprised. And it's a toss-up as to who ends up with more turnovers. That's not a complement to either player. Ed Davis reminds me of a guy who never played in the NBA. Because if you meet Ed Davis in four years and he tells you he played in the NBA, you won't believe him. Gordon Heyward is (sorry, this isn't entirely race-based) a lot like Austin Croshere. Another Pacer who is better than you probably realize. But way worse than his contract. Decent player, though, and not a bad pickup for the Jazz. Deron Williams will be glad to have Heyward. Paul George. Fucking terrible. He reminds me of Mike Mamula except that it's the wrong sport. Ed O'Bannon maybe? Paul George is a terrible player. Cole Aldrich makes me groan so loud you would think I'm having a hernia. He's godawful. Spencer Hawes without the athleticism. Yeah, Spencer Hawes is only an athlete compared to a regular person. For the NBA he's like a dinosaur compared to a cheetah. The dinosaur has been dead for 65 million years and, thus, can't move. A cheetah can run 75 fucking mph. Everybody else in the NBA is the cheetah in this comparison. I want Larry Sanders to be awesome because he's named for a good show. And he's powerful. I'm going with Kurt Thomas as the comp. Eric Bledsoe is Sebastian Telfair. Not like him, is him. Avery Bradley is a terrible player who will somehow fit in with the Celtics just enough to annoy me for 4 years before OBLIVION! He compares well with everybody that has played on the Celtics for the last 3 years that isn't one of the Big 4. Again, fuck Boston. Somehow these fucking troglodytes didn't realize how good of a PG they had until they got back to the finals. Seriously, everybody in Boston was on board with an indeterminate trade to get rid of Rondo last summer. Fuck those fucking fucks. Look everybody else in the draft is not worth writing about and I've got to hurry because it's almost FREE AGENT O'CLOCK and I waant to post this just for my own bemused reminiscences next year or the year after. The time capsule is closing. If any superstars come out of this draft I will be shocked. If any title contenders are obviated by a rash of free agent signings, I will be shocked. The Lakers are still the favorite to snooze into a title next year until proven otherwise.
UPDATE: I forgot to mention that Patrick Patterson to the Rockets seems like the best thing that could have happened to both that player and that team. I'm going to say he's a Brandon Roy-level player. He doesn't play like Roy but he will have that kind of immediate impact for the Rockets.
So what now? Why now? FREE AGENCY! I love the stupid stories about every single free agent possible ending up in Miami. Really. Lebron, DWade and Chris Bosh together in Miami? I can't wait to see which one sulks his way to a trade first. None of them ending up together and Chris Bosh making max money to lose in New York (Bosh is wildly over-rated as far as impact in the won-lost column) is way more likely. I hate the idea of Lebron leaving Cleveland even while I understand the reasons he might leave. I don't think it really makes a ton of basketball sense for him to leave and I have trouble coming up with a scenario where he and Wade can actually blend into an offensive scheme. Maybe that's OK. I haven't really seen an offense from Miami in a few years. I'm trying to get this all posted before 9pm PDT (PST? It's different at different times of year) when the free agent season kicks off.
Let me go through what I think will happen: Lebron and DWade will stay where they are. Chris Bosh will go to New York. Paul Pierce will end up in New York and everybody will hate him. Dirk Nowitzki can not leave Dallas. He really only fits in with the Lakers and they aren't paying him. New Jersey will get stiffed. A'mare will end up in Chicago and will be terrible for the rest of his career. J.J. Redick will somehow end up being a decent contributor somewhere. Joe Johnson will get tons of money from the Heat and will not help them in any discernible way. Michael Beasley will get traded somewhere and end up being a good player, along the lines of what A'Mare has been but not quite as good as the hype that A'Mare used to get. Beas is too small to really have the impct I thought he would. How does that happen? I could've sworn he was 6'10 coming in to the league but now he's 6'7. Whoops. Oh, well, he's still a 20/10 season or six waiting to happen. If Beas makes it to the homelands (D.C.) the Wizards will be a 50-win team next year. Seriously, I think they're finding honest value out there right now at the expense of some delusional front offices. The Wiz biggest problem is a lack of front court. A bunch of small forwards do not make for a good defense. They're still good enough to win 45 games.Trust me, I'm an idiot. I'm banking on Iverson to get himself together at some point in his life but right now? I think Bubba's done. I think he needs to be one of those born again, John Lucas types if he's going to make the changes in his life that could lead to success on a basketball court. I hate to think it and I'm dying for him to come back and start lighting people up for 20ppg off the bench but it's hard to believe he's that type. The whole thing that makes him Allen Iverson is the world-beater attitude that probably can't hack it as a bench player. He needs to run a team completely or he just can't get into it. That's not a bad thing to say about an athlete. That's the absolute best quality for a star to possess. For Iverson, it hurts him at this stage because he's a midget by NBA standards. He's a skinny dude for regular person standards and he's just been beat up beyond all sense in his career. Still, somebody will sign him this year and he will come apart just that little bit much farther. I hate it.
And that's it for the Free Agency preview. What do you want? Everybody's in cash grab mode right now and the franchises with tons of $$$ to spend don't really have plans. Seriously, look at the Heat. How the fuck are they going to fill their roster if they end up with Wade, Bosh and James? Everybody they sign after that will be at league minimum $$$. That's a disaster waiting to happen. The NBA is fucked up right now because it is impossible to watch a game that isn't dominated by refs. Really, the refs in the NBA have absolutely ruined the game. Also, the Timberwolves have ruined the game. And, as always, fuck Boston.
So here we are with the rookie roundup. I'm going to find a comparison for every player that I name. This is not a statistical comp, just what these guys remind me of. Remember what I said about the Wiz being a playoff-level team next year? I stand by it. It's going to get John Wall a rookie-of-the-year award. He might even deserve it. But he probably will not. He's not a great player. He's a Mike Bibby/Tyreke Evans hybrid. And Tyreke Evans is no Dwyane Wade. What I mean by my comparison is that Wall isn't really a point guard and he's about as good overall as Mike Bibby. Derrick Favors bothers me for some reason. He reminds me way too much of Tyrus Thomas. Evan Turner is like Cal Cheaney. Which is terrible, especially at #2. DeMarcus Cousins really does remind me of Stanley Roberts, which sounds worse than it is. Stanley Roberts was actually a really good basketball player but nobody ever really lit into him the right way. He never looked like he cared all that much. And, if I remember correctly, he drank himself silly. Maybe that's what drove Chris Jackson to become Mahmoud Abdul Rauf. No, I won't explain that for anybody that doesn't just see it and get the connection. I think Cousins is good for his first contract. His downside is Zach Randolph, which is OK as far as production goes but is also frustrating if you happen to be rooting for the team such a player works for. Wes Johnson is a joke. What in the world is wrong with people to expect any kind of NBA level contribution from this guy? Worst pick in a bad draft. He's John Wallace Redux. John Wallace was a goddammed terrible player in the league. Al-Farouq Aminu. I like this guy. I expect him to contribute right away. He's not a star player but he can be a lot like like Tayshaun Prince. Which is very good. Now, we get to my favorite player in the draft. Yes, it's because he's from Georgetown but also because I think his skills are entirely NBA-legit. He's not going to be a great defender but he will be pretty good. He's going to help the Pistons offense way more than people realize now, and probably more than people will realize at the end of the year. He up the offensive efficiency factor for a whole team. I don't really know a good comaprison for him because he played center in college but he's a PF in the pros. Really, his skills are reminiscent of Rik Smits, but Monroe's six inches shorter and, again, will play the 4. It's silly to compare Monroe to Tim Duncan because he's not that good. More like Alonzo Mourning but trade 5ppg for 3apg and there you go. Well, no, because Monroe isn't even in the same class as 'Zo on the defensive side. Hmmm, Smits. Hmmm. Can't think of anybody else that passes as well as Monroe from the post. That's also a pretty good comp for his overall effect on a game. Smits was a totally legit NBA player who didn't score a ton and really made his team work by spacing the court for everybody else but never got a ton of credit because his stats were never great. When Greg Monroe has more assists than John Wall next year, you should only be mildly surprised. And it's a toss-up as to who ends up with more turnovers. That's not a complement to either player. Ed Davis reminds me of a guy who never played in the NBA. Because if you meet Ed Davis in four years and he tells you he played in the NBA, you won't believe him. Gordon Heyward is (sorry, this isn't entirely race-based) a lot like Austin Croshere. Another Pacer who is better than you probably realize. But way worse than his contract. Decent player, though, and not a bad pickup for the Jazz. Deron Williams will be glad to have Heyward. Paul George. Fucking terrible. He reminds me of Mike Mamula except that it's the wrong sport. Ed O'Bannon maybe? Paul George is a terrible player. Cole Aldrich makes me groan so loud you would think I'm having a hernia. He's godawful. Spencer Hawes without the athleticism. Yeah, Spencer Hawes is only an athlete compared to a regular person. For the NBA he's like a dinosaur compared to a cheetah. The dinosaur has been dead for 65 million years and, thus, can't move. A cheetah can run 75 fucking mph. Everybody else in the NBA is the cheetah in this comparison. I want Larry Sanders to be awesome because he's named for a good show. And he's powerful. I'm going with Kurt Thomas as the comp. Eric Bledsoe is Sebastian Telfair. Not like him, is him. Avery Bradley is a terrible player who will somehow fit in with the Celtics just enough to annoy me for 4 years before OBLIVION! He compares well with everybody that has played on the Celtics for the last 3 years that isn't one of the Big 4. Again, fuck Boston. Somehow these fucking troglodytes didn't realize how good of a PG they had until they got back to the finals. Seriously, everybody in Boston was on board with an indeterminate trade to get rid of Rondo last summer. Fuck those fucking fucks. Look everybody else in the draft is not worth writing about and I've got to hurry because it's almost FREE AGENT O'CLOCK and I waant to post this just for my own bemused reminiscences next year or the year after. The time capsule is closing. If any superstars come out of this draft I will be shocked. If any title contenders are obviated by a rash of free agent signings, I will be shocked. The Lakers are still the favorite to snooze into a title next year until proven otherwise.
UPDATE: I forgot to mention that Patrick Patterson to the Rockets seems like the best thing that could have happened to both that player and that team. I'm going to say he's a Brandon Roy-level player. He doesn't play like Roy but he will have that kind of immediate impact for the Rockets.
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