NBA Free Agency Predictions and Rookie Expectations

Back in January I had fully intended to change the focus of the Comedy Corporation from football to basketball.  I tailed off on my footballl writing (at least the records keeping part of it) and I didn't really fill that space with anything.  One of the main problems I had with it is that I didn't suddenly have NBA Season... pass?  Ticket?  League... Watcher?  Whatever the DirecTV thing is that lets you watch all the basketball in the world.  That was really what pushed me into writing all the football posts that I wrote last year.  Another giant impediment to my writing lots of words about basketball zaniness was having a job.  I'vewritten it before but I will re-iterate now that needing a job is a failure of technology.  You know what I say to every Socialism-hating America-loving-but-in-a-totally-self-serving-really-I-only-love-the-piece-of-land-that-I'm-occupying-because-all-the-other-people-that-I-don't-know-can-go-fuck-themselves American that will ever read this?  Robots.  And fuck you.  Because robots should be doing every task on the planet by now.  All people should do is eat and sleep while robots take care of us.  I digress.  The other reason that I didn't write about basketball very much is that I hated almost everything that happened in the NCAA and in the NBA basketball seasons for 2009-2010.  Georgetown started off strong, faded in the middle, rallied just enough to make me think they could handle the Toruney and then tanked in the first round.  The least talented championship team in major college history won the National Championship and the NBA snored it's way to the most historically probably Finals possible.  And the Lakers won.  Which is the most common outcome for an NBA season in my lifetime.

So what now?  Why now?  FREE AGENCY!  I love the stupid stories about every single free agent possible ending up in Miami.  Really.  Lebron, DWade and Chris Bosh together in Miami?  I can't wait to see which one sulks his way to a trade first.  None of them ending up together and Chris Bosh making max money to lose in New York (Bosh is wildly over-rated as far as impact in the won-lost column) is way more likely.  I hate the idea of Lebron leaving Cleveland even while I understand the reasons he might leave.  I don't think it really makes a ton of basketball sense for him to leave and I have trouble coming up with a scenario where he and Wade can actually blend into an offensive scheme.  Maybe that's OK.  I haven't really seen an offense from Miami in a few years.  I'm trying to get this all posted before 9pm PDT (PST?  It's different at different times of year) when the free agent season kicks off.

Let me go through what I think will happen:  Lebron and DWade will stay where they are.  Chris Bosh will go to New York.  Paul Pierce will end up in New York and everybody will hate him.  Dirk Nowitzki can not leave Dallas.  He really only fits in with the Lakers and they aren't paying him.  New Jersey will get stiffed.  A'mare will end up in Chicago and will be terrible for the rest of his career.  J.J. Redick will somehow end up being a decent contributor somewhere.  Joe Johnson will get tons of money from the Heat and will not help them in any discernible way.  Michael Beasley will get traded somewhere and end up being a good player, along the lines of what A'Mare has been but not quite as good as the hype that A'Mare used to get.  Beas is too small to really have the impct I thought he would.  How does that happen?  I could've sworn he was 6'10 coming in to the league but now he's 6'7.  Whoops.  Oh, well, he's still a 20/10 season or six waiting to happen.  If Beas makes it to the homelands (D.C.) the Wizards will be a 50-win team next year.  Seriously, I think they're finding honest value out there right now at the expense of some delusional front offices.  The Wiz biggest problem is a lack of front court.  A bunch of small forwards do not make for a good defense.  They're still good enough to win 45 games.Trust me, I'm an idiot.  I'm banking on Iverson to get himself together at some point in his life but right now?  I think Bubba's done.  I think he needs to be one of those born again, John Lucas types if he's going to make the changes in his life that could lead to success on a basketball court.  I hate to think it and I'm dying for him to come back and start lighting people up for 20ppg off the bench but it's hard to believe he's that type.  The whole thing that makes him Allen Iverson is the world-beater attitude that probably can't hack it as a bench player.  He needs to run a team completely or he just can't get into it.  That's not a bad thing to say about an athlete.  That's the absolute best quality for a star to possess.  For Iverson, it hurts him at this stage because he's a midget by NBA standards.  He's a skinny dude for regular person standards and he's just been beat up beyond all sense in his career.  Still, somebody will sign him this year and he will come apart just that little bit much farther.  I hate it.

And that's it for the Free Agency preview.  What do you want?  Everybody's in cash grab mode right now and the franchises with tons of $$$ to spend don't really have plans.  Seriously, look at the Heat.  How the fuck are they going to fill their roster if they end up with Wade, Bosh and James?  Everybody they sign after that will be at league minimum $$$.  That's a disaster waiting to happen.  The NBA is fucked up right now because it is impossible to watch a game that isn't dominated by refs.  Really, the refs in the NBA have absolutely ruined the game.  Also, the Timberwolves have ruined the game.  And, as always, fuck Boston.

So here we are with the rookie roundup.  I'm going to find a comparison for every player that I name.  This is not a statistical comp, just what these guys remind me of.  Remember what I said about the Wiz being a playoff-level team next year?  I stand by it.  It's going to get John Wall a rookie-of-the-year award.  He might even deserve it.  But he probably will not.  He's not a great player.  He's a Mike Bibby/Tyreke Evans hybrid.  And Tyreke Evans is no Dwyane Wade.  What I mean by my comparison is that Wall isn't really a point guard and he's about as good overall as Mike Bibby.  Derrick Favors bothers me for some reason.  He reminds me way too much of Tyrus Thomas.  Evan Turner is like Cal Cheaney.  Which is terrible, especially at #2.  DeMarcus Cousins really does remind me of Stanley Roberts, which sounds worse than it is.  Stanley Roberts was actually a really good basketball player but nobody ever really lit into him the right way.  He never looked like he cared all that much.  And, if I remember correctly, he drank himself silly.  Maybe that's what drove Chris Jackson to become Mahmoud Abdul Rauf.  No, I won't explain that for anybody that doesn't just see it and get the connection.  I think Cousins is good for his first contract.  His downside is Zach Randolph, which is OK as far as production goes but is also frustrating if you happen to be rooting for the team such a player works for.  Wes Johnson is a joke.  What in the world is wrong with people to expect any kind of NBA level contribution from this guy?  Worst pick in a bad draft.  He's John Wallace Redux.  John Wallace was a goddammed terrible player in the league.  Al-Farouq Aminu.  I like this guy.  I expect him to contribute right away.  He's not a star player but he can be a lot like like Tayshaun Prince.  Which is very good.  Now, we get to my favorite player in the draft.  Yes, it's because he's from Georgetown but also because I think his skills are entirely NBA-legit.  He's not going to be a great defender but he will be pretty good.  He's going to help the Pistons offense way more than people realize now, and probably more than people will realize at the end of the year.  He up the offensive efficiency factor for a whole team.  I don't really know a good comaprison for him because he played center in college but he's a PF in the pros.  Really, his skills are reminiscent of Rik Smits, but Monroe's six inches shorter and, again, will play the 4.  It's silly to compare Monroe to Tim Duncan because he's not that good.  More like Alonzo Mourning but trade 5ppg for 3apg and there you go.  Well, no, because Monroe isn't even in the same class as 'Zo on the defensive side.  Hmmm, Smits.  Hmmm.  Can't think of anybody else that passes as well as Monroe from the post.  That's also a pretty good comp for his overall effect on a game.  Smits was a totally legit NBA player who didn't score a ton and really made his team work by spacing the court for everybody else but never got a ton of credit because his stats were never great.  When Greg Monroe has more assists than John Wall next year, you should only be mildly surprised.  And it's a toss-up as to who ends up with more turnovers.  That's not a complement to either player.  Ed Davis reminds me of a guy who never played in the NBA.  Because if you meet Ed Davis in four years and he tells you he played in the NBA, you won't believe him.  Gordon Heyward is (sorry, this isn't entirely race-based) a lot like Austin Croshere.  Another Pacer who is better than you probably realize.  But way worse than his contract.  Decent player, though, and not a bad pickup for the Jazz.  Deron Williams will be glad to have Heyward.  Paul George.  Fucking terrible.  He reminds me of Mike Mamula except that it's the wrong sport.  Ed O'Bannon maybe?  Paul George is a terrible player.  Cole Aldrich makes me groan so loud you would think I'm having a hernia.  He's godawful.  Spencer Hawes without the athleticism.  Yeah, Spencer Hawes is only an athlete compared to a regular person.  For the NBA he's like a dinosaur compared to a cheetah.  The dinosaur has been dead for 65 million years and, thus, can't move.  A cheetah can run 75 fucking mph.  Everybody else in the NBA is the cheetah in this comparison.  I want Larry Sanders to be awesome because he's named for a good show.  And he's powerful.  I'm going with Kurt Thomas as the comp.  Eric Bledsoe is Sebastian Telfair.  Not like him, is him.  Avery Bradley is a terrible player who will somehow fit in with the Celtics just enough to annoy me for 4 years before OBLIVION!  He compares well with everybody that has played on the Celtics for the last 3 years that isn't one of the Big 4.  Again, fuck Boston.  Somehow these fucking troglodytes didn't realize how good of a PG they had until they got back to the finals.  Seriously, everybody in Boston was on board with an indeterminate trade to get rid of Rondo last summer.  Fuck those fucking fucks.  Look everybody else in the draft is not worth writing about and I've got to hurry because it's almost FREE AGENT O'CLOCK and I waant to post this just for my own bemused reminiscences next year or the year after.  The time capsule is closing.  If any superstars come out of this draft I will be shocked.  If any title contenders are obviated by a rash of free agent signings, I will be shocked.  The Lakers are still the favorite to snooze into a title next year until proven otherwise.

UPDATE:  I forgot to mention that Patrick Patterson to the Rockets seems like the best thing that could have happened to both that player and that team.  I'm going to say he's a Brandon Roy-level player.  He doesn't play like Roy but he will have that kind of immediate impact for the Rockets.

I Can't Stop Watching This

I don't blog much, but when I do, this is what I think about.  I love euphemisms of all stripes and I've been really happy lately to have "she plays softball" stand in for the word lesbian.  Eating Da Poo-Poo is the best way to describe male homosexuality ever.  Go Christian fundamentalism!

On the realz, tho?  This is the best viral ad Apple ever created.

USFL: The Game

Hi, everybody!  I had a very important idea and, if I understand copyright laws the way I think I understand copyright laws, I'm gonna put it out here right now!  I want to make an alternate history video game based on the premise that the NFL folded in 1985 and the USFL kept going.  Obviously it would be expensive to license all these individual names to make it awesome but I think it could work out.  Maybe not as a franchise but as a one-off title it could reap some profits from nostalgia.  OR!  Instead of starting with the 1986 season, make it a sports RPG where you have to help steer the league through the early years from 1983 on and BEAT the NFL and then go on to the glory of Bo Jackson and Barry Sanders and Andre Ware (in my video game universe Ware would not become a bust) playing in USFL unis. 

Why do I like the RPG angle?  Because that way the Washington Federals would never become the Orlando... Predators?  Am I remembering that correctly?  I loved the USFL and this brainstorm is sponsored by eBay.  I was perusing the eBays for some fly-y-y-y-y-y Federals gear when I thought of it.

I would like my model to be based on online expansion rather than a new disc every year (fuck you, EA).  That is to say, I love DLC and I would love to just pay a few bucks every year to download the new players and new uniforms and new playbooks ($14.95 sounds about right) and just keep the same gameplay options.  Maybe the base disc could be more expensive ($79.95) to make up for the loss in annual revenue.  That way you could come out with a new disc every couple of years when you've completely overhauled the gameplay, more like an OS, and save some cost.  Not sure if the NFLPA would ever strike a deal to let current players in the game but they should.  You know why?  Because it's money for nothing.  Goddammit, I love thinking about the USFL.  Rosebud, indeed.

Super Bowl predictions

I haven't written anything in a long time.  So how do I break my silence?  With a very short post about the Super Bowl.  My prediction:  highest scoring SB ever.  Colts 56, Saints 45.  MVP: Pierre Garcon.  Every player in UMiami history will be arrested for spousal abuse before the night is through.  I will eat crawfish etouffee and be disappointed because I didn't know what I was doing when I made it.  Peyton Manning and Drew Brees will play better than anyone ever but Garcon will score some amazing TD in the last minutes to seal the game and raise millions more for Haiti.  The End

Dream Recap

So, Georgetown basketball is in a precarious position and the college football is in its bowl cycle leaving me with nothing to hang onto except the NFL (I haven't even really started watching the NBA yet this year), which is why I'll break from the sports death grip to describe a dream I just had.  That's right, laugh-O's going hippie for a moment.  It really isn't much of a story, either.  My brother, Mark, had just gotten in a car wreck in Florida and moved out to L.A. along with other brothers, Tom and Dave.  The 4 of us are living in a nice apartment in Los Feliz, apparently, while I am working and going to school at Santa Monica College which, conveniently, is located on Vermont Ave in Los Feliz.  One day, as I'm going home from work/school to make it to (x) function with my brothers, I see a car crash has taken place and then I notice my brother Tom being driven away in my sister (Cathy)'s car with a dog in the backseat.  I make my way through the crowd and find out Mark's car is totalled and being towed away.  Dave is still sitting in the passenger seat and there are three more dogs in the backseat.  The car is on the tow truck's flat bed, which is still raised for some reason, so that it is tilting almost perpindicular to the ground.   Mark tells me the story of the wreck: some car that I don't see driven by an unknown guy ran into Mark's car from behind, forcing Mark to run into the car ahead of him.  Also, one of the puppies in the back of the car is a Great Dane.  One of the tow truck operators has a dog from the same litter but I am the only one that finds this fact interesting.  His co-worker looks annoyed at him for even bringing it up and my brother doesn't think anything of it.  By the way, the co-tow truck operator looks just like this FedEx guy named O'Shea.  As I walk away from the accident scene some girl that is supposed to be Whitney from "The City" is walking across the street.  She looks more like a busted Anna Kournikova, with really bad skin.  That is all.

NFL Holiday Season

SAT, DEC 19
Dallas at New Orleans - Dallas is terrible in December, which is the kind of shallow analysis I try to avoid but which is also my deciding factor in this game, so I'm taking the Saints to keep up with the Colts.  There are a lot of reasons to think the Saints luck will run out but none of them are named Tony Romo.  I sort of expect him to throw at least 3 ints this week.  And the Cowboys refuse to commit to the run so Barber & Jones will only combine for 15 or so rushes.  The Saints should have some luck on deep passes.  I say that as an intentional understatement but it helps me to clear my head and pick the Saints by 30.
SUN, DEC 20
New England at Buffalo - This will be an absolutely terrible game and the Buffalo will lose to make it worse.
Arizona at Detroit - Whoever plays QB for the Cards will have a fairly easy time of things back there.  Beanie Wells should romp, too, but I don't know what to ever expect when Arizona runs the ball.  Stafford should be able to continue his generic pattern of big yards and lots of turnovers.
Miami at Tennessee - Awesome game.  Should be fun to watch.  Ricky Williams might get shut down for the most part but I am more doubtful on the outcome of this game than any other game this week.  I hope the Titans make the playoffs but I'm much more concerned about the continued crazy yardage numbers of Chris Johnson.  I would like to see him get to 2,000 yds.
Cleveland at Kansas City - I'll unfortunately arrive in Kansas City on Monday.  I would like to walk up to the box office on gameday and get a couple of suites for under $100.
Houston at St. Louis - This is either the upset of the week or Houston wins by 40.  There can be no compromise.  I hope it's the latter.
Atlanta at NY Jets - I go so far out of my way to avoid picking the Jets that it really makes me question my motivation.  The answer I keep coming up with is that it puts some joy in my heart to see any New York team suck.
San Francisco at Philadelphia - I just hope this is a good game.  I kind of like and hate both teams simultaneously.  McNabb rules and I wish Philly would like him more.  Does he have personal problems that bother the populace?  I don't know but people need to leave that shit alone if that's what it boils down to.
Oakland at Denver - Denver will get a nice big win here.  Can the Broncos still miss the playoffs?  If they can do that then this game might be tight.  Otherwise I'm picking them by 10.
Cincinnati at San Diego - Doesn't matter.
Tampa Bay at Seattle - Could conceivably end up watching this game.  I want this rookie QB to pan out for the Bucs.
Chicago at Baltimore - This is a terrible game, also, but I do have an allegiance to uphold.
Green Bay at Pittsburgh - Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Minnesota at Carolina - Good chance for Adrian Peterson to break out.  Also a good time for Brett Favre to start throwing some playoff ints.
MON, DEC 21
NY Giants at Washington - Upset alert!

Pre-Preview NFL (just 1 game)

Indianapolis at Jacksonville - I want so much for the Saints and Colts to play each other at 18-0 that I can't think straight.  This is an obvious trap game for the Colts and should be a good test for their defensive legitimacy.  I doubt the new regime is any different than the old regime, though, so they're going to start pulling starters for various non-injury "injuries."  As far as these two teams go?  Colts have a much better roster.  Manning should eat up the Jags the way he eats up everybody else.  Other than that, who cares?  He's enough to win all by himself and it would take more than a few twists in logic to choose anybody over Brees or Manning as MVP this year.  Sorry, C.J., you're awesome but you didn't beat the Colts.

EDITOR'S NOTE:  The Laugh-O Comedy Corporation regrets any confusion by the earlier posting of this article as it contained no purpole highlight denoting the author's expectations as to the final outcome of tonight's football contest between the Indianapolis Colts and the Jacksonville Jaguars.  That writer has been fired and will be replaced by a happy chimp in a costume.  You like that, right, fair readers?  And my way of addressing you personally in the prior sentence harkens back to all young people's love for Voltaire's Candide, does it not?  The full selection of professional football contests slated for action this weekend will be prognosticated upon in the coming 24 hours.