Wednesday, October 28, 2009

College Football Week 9 Preview - The Dumbest Week Yet!

I keep wanting to write about the movie Antichrist but I'm not sure what I want to write. I don't hate it but I don't see why it needs such an outpouring of critical analyses, either. And, yet, I mean to add my trash to the pile. What I actually want to write about is the critical failure to actually reflect the subject. I wonder if everyone who's reviewed the movie saw the same movie I saw. I read a good deal about the film before I saw it, and I recognized scenes and motifs from the reviews and such but was fully unprepared for the narrative and the (surprisingly small) scope. Anyway, I'll deal with that in my head until I don't want to write about it anymore. Episode 1 of AdBear is way overdue on this site.

On to the college football. Time for my at least once a week rant against the bloodsuckers at the NCAA. If the NCAA or the conferences involved in the NCAA were in any way honestly concerned about the well-being/welfare of their member athletes these kids would either get a substantial bump in their stipends or there would be no games played from Monday morning until Thursday evening. Why? Because then the "student-athletes" that make the games profitable would either share in the profits or actually be able to attend class. And the Football Bowl Subdivision would have a real playoff. I am a strong proponent of levelling the football playing field so that all D1 schools are allowed into the tourney. The conferences could all have auto-bids and there would be a 64-team tournament starting in mid-December. The regular season would be capped at 11 games with an allowance for conference championship games (hello, Conference merger-mania!) so that no team could play more than 18 games in a year. This would produce substantially more revenue than the current model, despite what the naysayers would have you believe. It would also spread the wealth around (fuck you if you think Communism is evil - the work week should be shortened to 30 hours to alleviate unemployment, too) more evenly. If I ran the world...

How'd I do last week? I'm no better at picking games than I am at finding a job. If you are a creditor, and you are reading this, it was written in a library so leave me alone. I went 41-15 last week, which is actually my best week yet. There were some problem spots, though, as always. Miami, Virginia and Maryland all seemed like loserd to me and I was right in my hunches even if my shirt loyalties kept me on the wrong side in my picks. I knew something like that was coming from Clemson. Maybe Randy Shannon isn't a very good defensive coordinator. I hadn't really seriously considered that until this week. I read 'Cane Mutiny and remembered how good The U was from 2000 - 2002 and it made me sad. The book also made me sad because it's a crying shame I can't get published and drivel like this gets out there and seen. Why don't sports books actually have any information in them? I could have looked up the games for the Hurricanes over the last 25 years and recounted them just as easily as Bruce Feldman. He dug up the history of the program and then just glided. It's like he wrote the first few chapters right when he thought of it and then remembered he still had 185 pages to go when the deadline was 6 days away. Good grief. My other notable misses last week were Idaho (goodbye, bandwagon!), Texas Tech (Leach, you dog, you!) and Michigan State. I was right for 60 full minutes of game action about Michigan State beating Iowa. But the last play extended beyond the game clock's expiration. And that's when the winning TD was scored. Sparty sure is a choker. I'm at 150-65 for the year. That's a good record for a baseball team. Purple always wins:


East Carolina 38, Memphis 19 - I did not pick this and I will not pick a Tuesday game until somebody puts money in my pocket and tells me to do otherwise.


North Carolina at No. 13 Virginia Tech - I'm tempted here. I'm really tempted here. I'm sticking with Ryan Williams but my gut tells me that the ACC is an absolute train wreck this year. And Virginia Tech losing this game would certainly justify that feeling. I'll feel better if I tune in and the score is very high for Va Tech and very low for Bitch Davis' boys. I still fucking hate Butch Davis. That book about Miami really dredged up some bad feelings towards him. And that motherfucker even had a chance to come back before Randy Shannon took the job! Fuck Butch Davis. I won't pick him again unless it's absolutely obvious that UNC will win the game. And I'll still root for him to lose.


No. 21 West Virginia at South Florida - I'm riding the hot hand on this one because I want Noel Devine in the Heisman race and South Florida has absolutely broken my heart the last two weeks. They's barely even showed up.


Indiana at No. 4 Iowa - Eventually I am going to be right and I will still feel good about it even though I'm just picking this way for dramatic effect.

No. 8 Cincinnati at Syracuse - Paulus will throw 6 TD's in this game. 4 of them will be to Cincicinnati defenders but a TD is a TD.

New Mexico State at No. 17 Ohio State - Thank god for the 12 game schedule, huh?

Rutgers at Connecticut - I'm hopeful on this one. UConn deserved to win last week, really. It would be nice for them to win at home now.

North Carolina State at Florida State - 3 losses in conference, you say? Seminoles are right back in it in the ACC! Because the whole conference is based in shit-town USA.

Purdue at Wisconsin - Back down to Earth with ya, Boilermakers. You aren't as good as your NFL QB's.

Ohio at Ball State - Out of my element here...

Louisiana-Lafayette at Florida International - Totally like a little babe wandering in to the woods...

Akron at Northern Illinois - I realize I'm crossing up my Lebowski quotes but this one represents me entering a world of hurt.

No. 25 Mississippi at Auburn - Auburn is in the dumpster and Ole' Miss should squash them. I'm taking the underdog. Undertiger. Undereagle. WTF is Auburn's mascot again?

Nebraska at Baylor - If Ndamkuong Suh sacks Baylor 12 times in this game will there be anyone there to see it who isn't wearing a Nebraska sweatshirt and/or scouting for the NFL? No, there will not be anyone else there to watch it. Baylor might have fans but I doubt it.

Southern Miss at No. 18 Houston - Case Keenum for Heisman runner-up!

Missouri at Colorado - Colorado and Washington State are the only major conference schools to rank as cupcakes according to Pat Forde.

Coastal Carolina at Clemson - Seriously, who is the asshole that thought we needed a 12 regular season game in college football? And why is it so hard to find a good database of college football stats? Even the NCAA's website is very tight with the info. I want to look at some old stats, goddammit!

Southern Methodist at Tulsa

Western Michigan at Kent State

San Jose State at No. 7 Boise State - Boise needs to score 100 to impress the voters enough to move them up. Otherwise the BCS thing is just not going to happen, which is very unfortunate for everybody because Boise St is an awesome team to watch. Espcially at home.


Georgia vs. No. 1 Florida* - Ahh, the world's biggest outdoor cocktail party! It's listed as a neutral site but I've noticed over the years that the neutral site is in the state of Florida. It's always seemed like more of a home game for Florida to me even if it is equidistant between the two campuses.

No. 19 Miami (FL) at Wake Forest - 'Canes really crappd out against Clemson. Where's the heart, Miami? The defense is looking mighty weak to me, so maybe Randy Shannon really will be gone after this year. Too bad, I really want him to be a great coach. Would he stay on as DC if they brought bak Jimmy Johnson?

No. 24 California at Arizona State - Just because. Will there really be this many Top 25 losses? It's highly doubtful.

Arkansas State at Louisville - Just win one for Kraggy!

Central Michigan at Boston College - Keeping my fingers crossed. If this QB LeFevour is really as good as his hype from the last two years then this is a real possibility.

Toledo at Miami (OH) - I still don't remember if it's Tulsa or Toledo that's supposed to be good.

Iowa State at Texas A&M - Mike Sherman wins two in a row? It's a little far-fetched but I like an alternate reality where I have actually cashed in on whatever talent I have and am not thinking about applying for food stamps. It's a similar place to the one that has Sherman as a winner.

Duke at Virginia - Yep, Duke's a better team. twiddles thumbs and rocks back and forth on balls of his feet

Michigan at Illinois - Way to go, Zooker!

Temple at Navy - Navy should try not throwing a pass this week because they should be able to get away with it and still win by 40.

Kansas at Texas Tech - Aww, TT, how could I stay mad at you?

UNLV at No. 6 TCU - Man, do I want TCU to lose.

Air Force at Colorado State

UCLA at Oregon State

Middle Tennessee State at Florida Atlantic

Hawaii at Nevada

Western Kentucky at North Texas - It seems like North Texas plays more like a team in it's first year at D-IA

No. 12 Penn State at Northwestern

Louisiana Tech at Idaho - Back on track, maybe? I still think of La Tech as secretly decent

Utah State at Fresno State - 11ypc and 200+ yds isn't enough, Ryan, OK? Raise the stakes! Go for 400yds and we'll see you in New York.

Eastern Michigan at Arkansas

Mississippi State at Kentucky

Kansas State at Oklahoma - Oklahoma won't lose to another Big XII school this year.

Louisiana-Monroe at Troy

No. 11 Georgia Tech at Vanderbilt

Washington State at No. 23 Notre Dame - If you're going to break your streak of games under 40 points, Golden Domers, this is the week to do it.

New Mexico at San Diego State

No. 22 South Carolina at Tennessee - UT will get the bad calls this week. Go SEC refs!

No. 3 Texas at No. 14 Oklahoma State - OK State is just OK. I'm picking this one to hedge my bets because I can't stomach Texas winning it all.

No. 5 USC at No. 10 Oregon - Oregon has actually looked like the better team to me. So don't be surprised if USC wins by 40.

Tulane at No. 9 LSU

Wyoming at No. 16 Utah


Marshall at UCF - This is absolutley brilliant. If I were going to pick 2 teams to go head up with the NFL it would definitely be these two. WTF? On a Sunday? This game?

Gee whiz. This is silly. Hopefully I will have a job by the next time this column rolls around.