Thursday, September 08, 2011

NO EQUIVOCATIONS: Ridiculous NFL Preview

Look, this is not the NFL post that anybody wants to read. It is a dull procedural that would do well in primetime on CBS. However, it is not in primetime on CBS because it is a blog post.

TV Theme Songs - Law And Order

Are you ready for a year of low scores and terrible games? I don't have any reason to think this year will be like that but one should always prepare for the worst. You come here to read about college football, mostly, and to sell dick pills. But I write about all kinds of stuff here: being bored, being depressed, being football, being sure that Victor Ortiz will beat Money Mayweather. This NFL column is just one facet of who I am.

First off, let's get the table out of the way. I don't know how to craft a fancy table but I can do this:
American Football Conference - 2011  
AFC East Team W L Div
New England Patriots 12 4 6_0
New York Jets 9 7 3_3
Miami Dolphins 8 8 2_4
Buffalo Bills 6 10 1_5

AFC North Team W L Div
Cleveland Browns 13 3 5_1
Pittsburgh Steelers 11 5 5_1
Baltimore Ravens 10 6 2_4
Cincinnati Bengals 0 16 0_6

AFC South Team W L Div
Houston Texans 9 7 5_1
Indianapolis Colts 9 7 4_2
Tennessee Titans 6 10 3_3
Jacksonville Jaguars 2 14 0_6

AFC West Team W L Div
San Diego Chargers 10 6 5_1
Oakland Raiders 10 6 4_2
Kansas City Chiefs 7 9 3_3
Denver Broncos 3 13 0_6

National Football Conference
NFC East Team W L Div
Philadelphia Eagles 11 5 3_3
Washington Redskins 6 10 3_3
Dallas Cowboys 5 11 3_3
New York Giants 4 12 3_3

NFC North Team W L Div
Green Bay Packers 14 2 5_1
Detroit Lions 9 7 3_3
Chicago Bears 8 8 3_3
Minnesota Vikings 4 12 1_5

NFC South Team W L Div
New Orleans Saints 13 3 4_2
Atlanta Falcons 12 4 4_2
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 11 5 4_2
Carolina Panthers 1 15 0_6

NFC West Team W L Div
Arizona Cardinals 13 3 6_0
San Francisco 49ers 9 7 3_3
St. Louis Rams 6 10 2_4
Seattle Seahawks 6 10 1_5

Now, the first thing that will probably stand out here is that everything I've got in the table above is complete nonsense. I will be thrilled for Panthers fans if their team can go 1-15 and only be the second worst team in the league. The entire NFC East is at .500 in their division. Cleveland is the top seed in the AFC! Wonders never cease. This is all silly. I get fascinated by particular teams and then get to the end and realize it's probably not going to happen. Last year I had the 49ers at 13-3. So the Browns can look forward to that.
I didn't do the kind of research or “projecting” to have any room to say the things that follow but I will predict the awards:

MVP: Aaron Rodgers, QB, Packers
DPOY: Nnamdi Asomugha
ROY: Julio Jones
Rushing leader: Darren McFadden
Peyton Manning will come back after the Colts bye-week.
Ricky Williams will out-gain Ray Rice on the year.
Green Bay will repeat as champs by beating San Diego in the Super Bowl.
Millions will take the Browns to the Super Bowl but the team still won't make it.

I hate you all, good night!