Thursday, December 10, 2009

NFL Action, It's Not Great!

I've been lazy of late with my writing.  I'm doomed to a life of failure but we'll all have to just wait and see how long of a life I have.  I'm not going to look up my picks from recent weeks.  I've done fairly poorly in all of this.


Pittsburgh at Cleveland - This game is more than half over, Pittsburgh is losing by 10 and they've been horrible without Troy Polamalu. The announcers just asked, "Who's playing playoff football? Right now, it's the Cleveland Browns." This implies that the Steelers are a legitimate contender right now. I'm not sure how familiar these guys are with Pittsburgh's season so far but the correct answer is, "Neither of these two teams." I'm only writing about this game because I still think the Steelers will win. The announcers are now talking about Eric Mangini's plans for the team and saying he knows what he's doing so I'm going to assume they haven't actually watched an NFL game in about 5 years. I will move on now.

New Orleans at Atlanta - Atlanta is a well-coached team with a talent gap.  The Redskins are actually pretty similar to the Falcons but with an owner that can't just stay in the fron office.  I'm making this comparison because the Redskins should have won last week against the Saints.  I love the Saints and expect them to play a little better this week but I'm willing to bet, without looking at the line, that New Orleans will fail to cover.  Drew Brees and Marques Colston are the best and Jeremy Shockey is good again.  Atlanta has a lot of injured people on their roster.

Green Bay at Chicago - Man, I hate that one of these two teams will probably end up in the playoffs.  I look at the box scores for Packers games and usually it seems like they would be fun to watch.  I've tried to watch them and it just isn't true.  They're horrible to watch.  The Bears seem like they should be fun to watch because Cutler is such a bastard and he's sucking but it isn't even fun to watch him suck.  He does a bunch of decent stuff and then turns the ball over.  It's not like watching Jamarcus Russell fling the ball all over the stadium and being able to laugh.  It's just frustrating.  I keep thinking, "they should run the ball more than once every 10 plays.  Matt Forte hasn't looked good but he also doesn't actually get the ball enough to find a rythm unless Cutler has already given up on things.  Lovie Smith should, indeed, be fired."  All of that string goes through my head every time I see the Bears.  The Packers will win but I might not even be able to watch the score on the bottom of the screen without falling asleep.

NY Jets at Tampa Bay - The Jets are terrible.  They won last week somehow but that was a fluke and it was against Buffalo.  Tampa is pretty terrible but they're trying to get better.  I'm a shallow believer in the Raheem Morris program.  If the Bucs are good in two years I will not be surprised.  KII is my favorite player in the league right now, including Chris Johnson.  The fucking soldier is the best TE in the league, numbers or no.  People hate him because he seems like an asshole but he's right there with Vernon Davis and Tony Gonzalez as a pass catcher and he's actually a decent blocker, too.  Vernon Davis might actually be just as good of a blocker but I'm more a fan of Winslow.  Josh Freeman could become a star in the next couple of years if Tampa can find some better WRs.  Too bad, too, because these guys they have are mostly pretty high picks so I don't know if I'd trust them to draft another good pass catcher.  Maybe they could find a more reliable RB in the draft and trade for somebody else's good pick at WR.  It worked when they traded for Keyshawn a long time ago.

Miami at Jacksonville - Miami should shred the Jaguars but the Jaguars are somehow still in the playoff hunt and there's some feature about Ricky Williams coming on soon, so that seems like a jinx.  I'm going with the better team here but the NFL is a disaster once you get past the Saints and the Colts.  Yeah, I'm including the Vikings in there with the rest of the league.  The lesson is that nothing is a sure thing and I won't be even sort of surprised if Jacksonville wins this one.  David Garrard is one of the most underrated players in the league.  People really believe that QB is the problem with the Jaguars.  It's not at all the problem, however, as the Jaguars have an idiot as a head coach.  Jack Del Rio should be a DC but he has lasted as a head coach for too many years because the Jacksonville Jaguars are secretly plotting to move to L.A.  The Dolphins need a QB badly.  I've been playing a lot of Tecmo Super Bowl lately and it's fun to see all the old players that seemed like decent QB's at the time but who seem, in hindsight, to have been a horrible joke played on NFL fans.  Hugh Millen existed and started for the Patriots for a time.  Kelly Stouffer played in the league for years.  Tony Eason and Steve Grogan both lasted for about a decade apiece.  Dave Krieg threw for over 40,000 yards, I do believe.  What am I trying to say?  Dan Marino is one of only about 20 legitimately great quarterbacks to play in the league in my lifetime.  Chad Henne is not one of the others in that group.  A lot of internet mouthpieces are missing a slew of red flags around Jimmy Clausen and hyping him as a top 5 prospect.   The Dolphins are probably the only team that could get any production out of Tebow but they'd be better served to pick Case Keenum and let him make a decent WR out of Ted Ginn.  The Dolphins were smart to not bring in Brady Quinn but they've got to do something at QB.  I've seen the light on the QB position.  Peyton Manning ain't walking through that door but the Dolphins could be great quickly with a great QB.  It won't help 'em this week, though, but Ricky Williams will.

Detroit at Baltimore - Boo, Ravens!  Boooooooo!!!!!!!!  Your defense is old and done.  Also, Terrell Suggs story is looking pretty rough right now.  He might drop some hush money and get it out of the news but he has taint all over him.  Which can be pretty shitty.  Hahahahaha!  Taint!!!  Detroit is a disaster even among the disastrous.  Balmer will win this one easily but goddam do they suck.  Play your Ravens RBs this week.  Todd Heap, Joe Flacco, and the old man at split end might all be decent plays this week, too.  The risk level is acceptable for any of them.

Seattle at Houston - What a game!  I hope Houston rips it in this game as much as I think they will.  When's the last time we had a 300-yd receiving game in the league?  I don't think anyone throws deep enough anymore to do it.  This should be a great oppotunity for Andre Johnson to have Flipper Andersen numbers but he won't.  He'll get about 150 yds and it will seem great but I'm bored by receiving numbers.  Tecmo Super Bowl has reminded me of how great it was when Stephone Paige set the record for yds in a game with, like, 6 catches or some crazy shit.  The Texans offense in general looks like a safe bet to me in this game except for Jacoby Jones, who is apparently a malcontent.  Matt Hasselbeck is injured or I'd say start your Seahawks, too.

Denver at Indianapolis - I hope Denver misses the playoffs again.

Buffalo at Kansas City - Awesome game.  I think KC has found some team unity by killing Larry Johnson and then shipping him to Cincinnati.  I like the way Chris Chambers has played for the Chiefs.  I don't trust many players in this game.  Neither defense is any good but both teams are already packed in for the year.  Lee Evans should be a lot better than he is.  Terrell Owens is in his comfort zone now - his team is wiped out - so he shouldn't drop too many passes for the rest of the season.

Cincinnati at Minnesota - Let's pick up this Minnesota discussion again.  They just extended their terrible coach on the strength of a fluky good season start that is 100% due to the talent on the roster which doesn't leave a lot of room for the coach to take credit for the team's success.  So that was a great move.  Adrian Peterson seems to fumble 2-3 times per week, so that's a problem.  Brett Favre is having a career season at the age of 40, so there's a red flag.  They run the ball about 75% of the time, to the point that they wouldn't run the ball in the first half last week and just ended up giving away the game.  I'm not sure if Brad Childress remembers this but I do so I'll put it down here (again): Chester Taylor should get 10-15 touches in addition to the touches that Peterson gets.  This will actually make Peterson, Harvin (PERCY!!!), Rice and Favre more dangerous.  But it won't happen.  Favre will continue to throw too much and the Viking will lose in their first playoff game which is really fucking stupid.  Cincy is a joke of a team that plays a lot of even worse teams.  Their slightly sham-wow of a defense will give up way too much to the Vikings to win but not enough to expose themselves.  I like it when Ced Benson gets shut down and the Vikings should be able to do that pretty well.  Fuck Ced Benson and Larry Johnson.  I wish Carson Palmer didn't get hurt so much because he should be on par with Bress, Brady and Peyton Manning.  Chad Ochocinco is awesome as a player but he makes me feel embrrassed when I say his name so I'm just going to call him Chad Johnson from now on.

Carolina at New England - Another game that should really be a blowout but will end up a one-score pile of dogshit.  Brady is "injured" so he'll go for 350 and 3 TDs.  Carolina is retarded for not running the ball 50+ times per game.

Washington at Oakland - For a normal team, being in a position to beat the Saints in the last 90 seconds of a game would be something to build upon.  For the Redskins it will be a cause for another meltdown.  I've got to pick up my pace, the Steelers game is almost over.  Play Michael Bush if you've got him.  That is all.

St. Louis at Tennessee - Back to the wins for Tennessee.  They got bombed by the Colts but the Colts are a real NFL team with the best QB of all time.  St. Louis is weak at pretty much every position.  If they can find somebody dumb enough to give them a Herschel Walker-type trade for Jackson they need to take it.  Maybe they could offer him to the Cowboys?  The Cowboys are willing to trade way too much for everybody and they should have actually drafted Jackson in the first place.  I'd even be willing to play Vince Young in this game.  C.J. is a no-brainer.

San Diego at Dallas - It's December in Dallas and Romo is taking holder duties?  The new Danny White is annoying because he's such a big star with nothing backing it up.  UPDATE: Browns are going to win.  Ouch, the Steelers suck.  RESUME: so those 17 points are why the Cowboys will finally win one in December.

Philadelphia at NY Giants - I want so badly to believe in McNabb and I hate Eli so much.

Arizona at San Francisco - I sort of subscribe to Gregg Easterbrook's Crabtree Curse theory but I don't want to believe it so I keep picking them.  Did I see Antrel Rolle getting some love this week?  I loved Antrel at The U but he has disappointed me to no end in the league.  Vernon Davis will have a tough time this week so Crabtree has to be the man.  I think he can do it and I like Alex Smith at QB, too.  The Cards are the better team almost all the way across the board.  I'm not very heavily in Beanie Wells camp just yet.  He should be better.  Tim Hightower is garbage and the fact that Wells is now losing carries to Hightower does not bode well for Chris' future as a star.  If Ryan Mathews comes out this year the Cards should draft him.  They are the second best team in the NFC right now (not by record, just by seeming strength) but the Saints don't have that dynasty feel to me so the door will be open for the Cardinals to become a consistent contender if Leinart can ever get it going.  Speaking of the Saints, you know who else would be awesome in Phoenix?  Reggie Bush.  He will never be more than a highly paid but shittier version of Eric Metcalf as long as he's in New Orleans.  I'd rather see Ryan Mathews do his Marshall Faulk impression in Phoenix, though.