Saturday, October 30, 2010

Let's Try To Explain Things

I've left the prognosticating business indefinitely. Why? Because I got really depressed about college football following losses by Miami and Notre Dame. Both have two losses now. Eyehateeverrthang.  I had a plan to start writing about the Heisman race but I don't even have an opposing view to shove out there. I could dedicate myself to writing a blog tearing down Kellen Moore but that's about it. LaMichael James and Cam Newton are awesome. I love to watch Denard Robinson. Matt Barkley deserves a little bit of attention and Justin Blackmon might need to be knocked down a few pegs at this point. My viewpoint on the race this year IS the mainstream view. I think I'll be petty happy with the winner, whoever it ends up being. I don't even hate Terrelle Pryor as a candidate. Just Kellen Moore. He is, as has bothered me with candidates (& winnars) in the past, not even the best player on his own team. Titus Young, bitches! Titus Fucking Young! So that's that. No more excitement about writing when I don't have an opposing viewpoint. I am a hater.

I'll tell you one thing, this song is about syrup:

Do you agree?  Just because they look like the Black Eyed Peas with their stupid little clothes and "hot girl" in the group (just to be clear, Fergie is not hot) and their terrible dancing and unnecessarily glossy video doesn't mean they aren't contributing to the transformation of "fly" from meaning cool to meaning hammered. They even reference the song that started that slide in the hook. I stand by it. These little kids are talking about what all little kids are talking about these days: doing drugs. Ah, well, it's all I cared about when I was young enough to still hope for the future.

Go Hurricanes! Go Middies! Hoya Saxa!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

NFL WEEK 5 - Love Lifts Us Where We Belong

Football sucks.  There, I said it.  I mean, it's better than doing dumb stuff like talking to friends and family or being active outdoors but it's terrible.  The Miami Hurricanes just got blown out.  See?  It's terrible.  I'm just gonna fling darts at these games and home I come up with the same type of results I had last week.  10-4 picking last week's winners (36-26 overall now) and I have no memory of anything that happened.

Week 5
SUN, OCT 10 
Jacksonville at Buffalo - Jacksonville's riding high on their home victory over the Colts last week where a fan fell off the stadium from inside.  Buffalo is considering going 0-16.  I think this is the Bills only chance at a win but I only know for sure that the Bills have 5 players on their roster.  Still going to pick home team Buffalo to win in home stadium.
Tampa Bay at Cincinnati - Tampa Bay! Tampa Bay! If I could find a good video of the Bucs owner's speech after winning the Super Bowl it would've gone here.
Atlanta at Cleveland - Atlanta's actually good, I think.
St. Louis at Detroit - The two worst teams from last year facing off. It's the Suh vs. Bradford battle that college football fans didn't get last year.
Kansas City at Indianapolis - Wow, Indy, you sure sucked last week.  The Chiefs can win if they just keep running.  NFL coaches aren't that good with football, though, so expect Matt Cassell to go something like 16-40 with 3 INTs.  The Chiefs being undefeated has gone on just about long enough, now.
Green Bay at Washington - Green Bay did a great job of hiding their suckiness throughout the offseason when people were expecting to contend for the Super Bowl. Washington is probably a little better than most prognosticators expected.  Not by much, though, and this game seems to be a matchup of near equals.  Mediocrity forever!
Chicago at Carolina - Mediocrity forever!
Denver at Baltimore - Don't listen to anyone that tries to tell you Baltimore's offense is anything other than horrendous.  They are wrong or lying or both.  And, yet, the Ravens are probably the best team in the league. 
NY Giants at Houston - The Gaints are worse than I ever thought they'd be.  The Texans rely a lot more on a WR than most people realize.  Andre Johnson is hurt but will probably play.
New Orleans at Arizona - Max Hall will prove you wrong, whatever you may have though of him.
San Diego at Oakland - Still don't think that much of the Chargers.  Even though I know how little I think of the Raiders, it seems like a good week for the silver & black.
Tennessee at Dallas - Bunch of bullshit...
Philadelphia at San Francisco - Fuck this game.

Minnesota at NY Jets - I can't wait for the reaction when Favre is announced at the beginning of the game and the picture on your TV is a text of his cock. Randy Moss is back where he belongs!


Thursday, October 07, 2010

COLLEGE FOOTBALL WEEK 6: Big Week For The Home Teams

Things are in a bad way for my prognostication career. 33-19 last week means I'm still losing ground and I'm already 0-1 for this week.  I've got two games that will not count because the Golden Rule here at laugh-o  is "College football played prior to Thursday is an envisible tree falling in an abandoned wood."  Those games don't count.

UPDATEL I'll do it romorrow. I'm tirerd

Tuesday, October 5
Troy 42, Middle Tennessee 13
Wednesday, October 6
UCF 42, UAB 7
Thursday, October 7
No. 7 Nebraska 48, Kansas State 13

Friday, October 8
Connecticut at Rutgers - This should be a better game than it is.
No. 22 Oklahoma State at Louisiana-Lafayette - That man named Kendall needs a bunch of TDs to put himself into any sort of discussion. Right now I'm considering not finishing this article. Everything is, in fact, terrible.
Saturday, October 9
Indiana at No. 2 Ohio State - So want to pick Indiana.
Minnesota at No. 20 Wisconsin
Syracuse at South Florida
Boston College at North Carolina State
Illinois at Penn State
Central Michigan at Virginia Tech
Western Michigan at Ball State
Temple at Northern Illinois
Baylor vs. Texas Tech*
Tennessee at Georgia
Colorado State at No. 25 Air Force
Memphis at Louisville
Bowling Green at Ohio
No. 1 Alabama at No. 19 South Carolina
Wyoming at No. 5 TCU
No. 11 Arkansas vs. Texas A&M*
No. 17 Michigan State at No. 18 Michigan - Shoelace needs 600yds total offense to really pull ahead of the Heisman pack.
UCLA at California
Virginia at Georgia Tech
Pittsburgh at Notre Dame
Clemson at North Carolina
UNLV at West Virginia
Western Kentucky at Florida International
Akron at Kent State
Army at Tulane
Utah State at Louisiana Tech
No. 3 Oregon at Washington State - Might be one of the biggest blowouts of all time. Washington State beat UCLA for about 2.5 quarters last week. LaMichael James will strangle the daylights out of the Coogs.
Oregon State at No. 9 Arizona
San Diego State at Brigham Young - It's Ronnie Hillman time! I want him to be the next Marshall Faulk but I have to believe that BYU is going to pull up out of the full on nosedive they've been doing.
Navy at Wake Forest - Go Middies!
No. 10 Utah at Iowa State - Utah has been very good in the recent past. I have no opinions to offer on the current squad but I'm pretty sure they're better than the Cyclones.
Colorado at No. 24 Missouri - Ugh
Eastern Michigan at Vanderbilt
Arkansas State at North Texas
Miami (OH) at Cincinnati
Florida Atlantic at Louisiana-Monroe
No. 8 Auburn at Kentucky - Every time I choose the Auburn game for the week the words "most over-rated team in America" ring through my head.
No. 12 LSU at No. 14 Florida - Harder to pick than it would seem if you're opinion of LSU is formed by blogs and sportswriters. LSU has looked awful and won. Florida has looked horrible and won, too, but they also lost to Alabama last week. There's only one sure thing in this game: depression.
Purdue at Northwestern
East Carolina at Southern Miss
Toledo at No. 4 Boise State
No. 23 Florida State at No. 13 Miami (FL) - Another week another "this could be the most important game of the season for Miami!"
USC at No. 16 Stanford - Nothing is over, Stanford. Nothing!
New Mexico at New Mexico State
Mississippi State at Houston
Tulsa at Southern Methodist
Rice at UTEP
Arizona State at Washington
Hawaii at Fresno State
San Jose State at No. 21 Nevada


I won't make it home in time for a proper post before the Nebraska - Kansas State game so I'm doing a short one from my phone. Kansas State gets my upset pick for tonight. Nebraska can't run the table and now seems like a great time to lose. The Heisman is currently a 2-man race between Denard Robinson and LaMichael James. Dark horses include Colin Kaepernick and Patrick Peterson. Navy might now even beat Notre Dame.   I can't get stupid blogger to work on my android phone & that pisses me off.

Sunday, October 03, 2010

NFL WEEK 4: The Big Comeback

OK, so I may not be the equal of a farm animal when I make picks.  I thought I was playing safe last week and it didn't work out so well.  I went 7-9 (26-22 on the year).  I wish I could say I felt improvement but I am at a loss from game to game, on a weekly basis.  I don't care enough.  I might be sliding back towards disinterest in football now that I don't have a current copy of Madden, NFL Sunday Ticket, or 168 hours/week of free time.  Ugh.  It's a life, though, I guess.  Here's the games for this week.

San Francisco at Atlanta - San Francisco was my "breakout team that nobody really cares about" in my preseason rankings and here they are the first team to fire a coach.  They appear to be a bit of a mess.  I don't trust them on the road at St. Louis, and Atlanta's a good team.  A team with a coach "on the bus."  I thought Matt Ryan was garbage in college but I like him in the pros.  This seems like an easy pick.

Cincinnati at Cleveland - It makes sense to me that Cleveland would run 50 times/game and distribute those carries between 3 or 4 backs.  I don't run an NFL team and the Cleveland coaching staff seems hell-bent on throwing it no matter what level of re-tread they have behind center.  Cincinnati has been a bust on offense and Ced Benson looks very much like the one-year wonder most people had to expect him to be.  1,000 yds is in reach, but so is a 3.1 yd avg.  Great stuff.  Go Ohio!

NY Jets at Buffalo - Buffalo is terrible and Mark Saanchez actually looks pretty good so far.

Seattle at St. Louis - There will be two head coaches in this game with no track record of success in the NFL at the head coach position.  Somebody has to win, though, and St. Louis got their win for the first half of the season last week.

Denver at Tennessee - These are teams that look like they will never put it together this season.  I like Demariyous Thomas and Chris Johnson.  Decisions, decisions to make.

Detroit at Green Bay - Holy shit did Green Bay fuck up last week.  There is probably not a particularly dominant team this year.  Looks like a good year for Baltimore to win it again.  Green Bay can't run for shit but Detroit can't do anything particularly well.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh - Joe Flacco might be more Rick Mirer than Joe Montana.  Pittsburgh is overdue for a correction but they won't be nearly as bad as I predicted in the preseason.

Carolina at New Orleans - Carolina is a contender for the top pick in the draft next April.  New Orleans should have a good workout.

Indianapolis at Jacksonville - If Indianapolis loses this game, Peyton Manning should announce his retirement before heading to the locker room.

Houston at Oakland - Good lord, when will it be over? The Raiders don't have a lot of talent to show for all those high picks they've made in recent years.

Washington at Philadelphia - Here it is!  I could've sworn this was a night game but I see from it's place on the schedule that it is, in fact, not.  Donovan McNabb deserves to beat Philly just because the idiot fans in Philly still don't understand that he is their best QB in 60 years.

Arizona at San Diego - Both teams will try their damndest to lose but the lukewarm responses of San Diego stadium attendees (those aren't fans) will be just enough to lift them up to less failure.  A win's a win, right?

Chicago at NY Giants - The Bears are a train wreck that hasn't happened yet and the Giants are a train that wrecked in an uncharted region of desert that has been kept mostly under wraps.  Word is getting out.  But the Bears need to lose and I will pick them to lose every week until they do.  And then for 3 more weeks after just for good measure.

New England at Miami - Don't care.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


UPDATE - I have lost all my work 3 times now so I'm not writing up shit. Just picks. Sorry, this is not a very good read.  Have a happy October.

My picks for last week were horrible.  I went 41-17, I've already lost track of my yearly total, and I skipped like 4 games (those count as losses).  This week I'm late and this will be super-rushed.  I'm gonna pick first and then go back and write my capsules.  The Heisman goes like this for me right now:

1) Denard Robinson
2) Colin Kaepernick
3) Ronnie Hillman
4) Russell Wilson
5) Patrick Peterson

Did I spell all those names correctly?

Thursday, September 30

Texas A&M at Oklahoma State - Just because A&M is over-rated without even being rated.
Friday, October 1
Brigham Young at Utah State
Saturday, October 2
No. 2 Ohio State at Illinois
Louisiana-Monroe at No. 10 Auburn
No. 16 Miami (FL) at Clemson
Vanderbilt at Connecticut
Northwestern at Minnesota
Kentucky at Mississippi
Kansas at Baylor
Florida State at Virginia
Alcorn State at Mississippi State
Temple at Army
Ohio at Eastern Michigan
Kent State at Miami (OH)
No. 5 TCU at Colorado State
Tulane at Rutgers
Idaho at Western Michigan
Navy at Air Force
No. 21 Texas vs. No. 8 Oklahoma*
No. 11 Wisconsin at No. 24 Michigan State
Tennessee at No. 12 LSU
No. 19 Michigan at Indiana
Virginia Tech at No. 23 North Carolina State
Washington State at UCLA
East Carolina at North Carolina
Buffalo at Bowling Green
Florida International at Pittsburgh
Ball State at Central Michigan
Duke at Maryland
UTEP at New Mexico
Northern Illinois at Akron
Arizona State at Oregon State
Georgia at Colorado
Florida Atlantic at South Florida
Texas Tech at Iowa State
Georgia Tech at Wake Forest
Tulsa at Memphis
Southern Methodist at Rice
Louisville at Arkansas State
Wyoming at Toledo
Louisiana-Lafayette at North Texas
No. 7 Florida at No. 1 Alabama
No. 3 Boise State at New Mexico State
No. 9 Stanford at No. 4 Oregon
Washington at No. 18 USC
UC Davis at San Jose State
Notre Dame at Boston College
Marshall at Southern Miss
No. 22 Penn State at No. 17 Iowa
No. 25 Nevada at UNLV
Cal Poly at Fresno State
Louisiana Tech at Hawaii

Sunday, September 26, 2010

NFL WEEK 3: Worse Late Than Never

You know, if you want to do well in fantasy football or write interesting things about the NFL, you really have to pay attention to what's happening in the league.  I've done that in the past.  Last season?  I had League Pass and watched everything.  This season?  I haven't watched more than 20 minutes of any single game.  Hopefully I can get in some serious viewing time tomorrow but I'm not counting on it.  I went 10-6 week 1 and thought that sucked.  I went 9-7 last week.  A lot's riding on this one!  19-13 is weak when you only pick winners.  These are gonna be brief since I'm about to pass out.  It's breast cancer awareness week here at the Comedy Corporation.  Are you aware of breast cancer?  It sucks.

Tennessee at NY Giants - Tennessee sucked last week.  I expect a decent season from both of these teams but I think the Giants have an edge here at home.

Pittsburgh at Tampa Bay - I hate the Steelers.  KII for the win!

Cincinnati at Carolina - Two teams that make no sense to me.  Jimmy Clausen is starting.  Remember how much I liked him at Notre Dame?  I still like him in the long run.  Maybe I will find out some things about him tomorrow but I doubt it.  Donovan McNabb was the worst QB ever as a rookie and Rick Mirer looked like a HOFer.

Cleveland at Baltimore - Cleveland signed Jake Delhomme to be their starting QB and drafted Colt McCoy with an eye to the future.  Colt McCoy offers no future and Jake Delhomme doesn't even play football anymore.  Joe Flacco is picking up where Rick Mirer left off in Seattle.

Dallas at Houston - Houston seems so mirage-like to me.  Of course, I'm sure there were lots of people who thought that about the Saints last year.  They were wrong and I'm not, though, so that helps me take the against-the-grain angle here and say Dallas evens things out a little this week.

San Francisco at Kansas City - This game seems awful.

Detroit at Minnesota - Adrian Peterson owes the world some big yardage here.

Buffalo at New England - Buffalo might end up a 2 win team.  New England looked old and stupid against the Jets last week.  I wish Buffalo could win but they don't even have enough football players under contract to field 11 players per side.  I think.

Atlanta at New Orleans - I was half right about Atlanta v. Arizona last week.  Atlanta scored a ton.  This week...  Neither team runs it up.  New Orleans will win in the last 5 minutes of the game.

Washington at St. Louis - Bradford's OK, McNabb's OK, everything sucks.  Seems like a good time for the Rams to get in one of their wins for the year.

Philadelphia at Jacksonville - Vick was good against Detroit, the Internet was perplexed by Andy Reid's waffling early this week and Jacksonville doesn't have a lot of people expecting anything from them.  Jacksonville is probably better than most people realize.

Oakland at Arizona - Worst game ever.  Arizona is back to their historically proper place and the Raiders can play some defense.  Derek Anderson or the Raiders?  I'll go with the home team.

San Diego at Seattle - Pete Carroll will get fired or quit before the end of next season.

Indianapolis at Denver - Toughest call of the week.  I'm going to take Denver and the points.  I don't really know what the spread or the over/under is on this game but TEBOW!

NY Jets at Miami - Ahh, the night game.  I won't watch it, I bet.  Any takers?

Green Bay at Chicago - I saw Brent Musberger trying to hype this game today.  I know the Bears beat Dallas last week but Dallas is a collection of weak-willed individuals.  Green Bay is a team.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


I am getting better, I think.  I've tried to watch as much college football as possible this year because I am apparently not allowed to watch the NFL.  The fact that I am out of the house literally 70 hours/week for work alone apparently does not justify spending any extra time at home doing shit that I want to do.  I went 48-10 last week and if I were picking against the spread I would have been close to undefeated.  My L's were not particularly egregious.  Miami's back this week, though, so reason is gone by the wayside.

I will never have the time I need to do the research (NOOOOOOO!!!!) necessary to do the Heisman thing the way I did last year.  Here's my Big Five as of right now, without support or substantiation:

1.) Denard Robinson, QB, Michigan - He's pretty far ahead right now but he is far from unbeatable at this point.  At what point does he become unbeatable?  2700yds passing, 2000yds rushing, and a win against Ohio State.
2.) Colin Kaepernick, QB, Nevada - The most fun I've had watching a player so far this year was the little bit of the game last week between Nevada and Cal.  Boise St might get flambeed by this feller.
3.) LaMichael James, RB, Oregon - I hope he breaks 2000yds in the 11 games he plays this year.
4.) Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford - This is my only projection vote. He put up amazing numbers against Wake Forest but NAIA opponents don't count for much.  He hasn't done that well in the time I've seen him but I I saw him be awesome last year and Stanford is way more loaded than most people realized in the preseason (when they seemed to be the chic pick for "team in the top25 that doesn't deserve it").
5.) Daniel Thomas, RB, Kansas State - Has the look of a 3 year star in the NFL.  He's huge as a college back and puts up pretty good numbers.  I was tempted to put Ronnie Hillman (RB, SDSU) or Bernard Pierce (RB, Temple) here but Thomas has better production right now.

Terrelle Pryor and Ryan Mallett are not my favorite players to watch.  Mallett might actually be much better than I expected him to be but I still don't want him on my TV and I still don't think he will be a wise draft choice next year in the NFL.  Terrelle Pryor is about the 5th best player on his own team.

Thursday, September 23

No. 19 Miami (FL) at Pittsburgh - Fuck you, Stache!
Friday, September 24
No. 4 TCU at Southern Methodist - I'll have you know that I did consider picking TCU.
Saturday, September 25
Austin Peay at No. 11 Wisconsin - Goddammit did Wisconsin deserve to lose last week.  John Clay is off my radar at this point.
Ball State at No. 18 Iowa - Iowa will win with 13 points,
Bowling Green at No. 21 Michigan - Michigan is going to get corrected soon.  I hope Denard Robinson continues to put up crazy numbers.
Northern Colorado at No. 25 Michigan State - Sparty sucks
Buffalo at Connecticut - This is close to a pick 'em for me.  UConn is trashy even by current Big East standards.
North Carolina State at Georgia Tech - Georgia Tech can be stopped really easily by athletic defenses.  Good thing for them they don't have to play anyone like that this week.
Central Michigan at Northwestern - Central Michigan is the good one!
Virginia Tech at Boston College - I wonder when the last time these two teams played and neither was ranked.
Florida International at Maryland - Don't think for a second that this is a sure thing.
Toledo at Purdue - I saw that Marve got hurt but I don't know how seriously.
UAB at Tennessee - Wow, UT sucks.
UCF at Kansas State
Virginia Military Institute at Virginia - UVa is a mess but this is a win, at least.
Miami (OH) at Missouri - Miami OH hasn't been good since Big Ben was raping chicks around campus.
Air Force at Wyoming - Awesome, tough game. I'm not crazy!
No. 20 USC at Washington State - Wuldn't it be the best if WSU could win?
Army at Duke - The less you know...
No. 1 Alabama at No. 10 Arkansas - Bama really doesn't look great to me so far.  I want them to end Mallett's career in a practical sense.
Eastern Michigan at No. 2 Ohio State - Tough game.
UCLA at No. 7 Texas - Texas might look like poopy pee pee on offense but they could force upwards of 10 TO's in this contest of football playing.
No. 16 Stanford at Notre Dame - I want this to be another 60 point blowout.
Temple at No. 23 Penn State - Bernard Peirce in the building!
Wake Forest at Florida State - The only sure thing in a matchup of ACC school is that neither team is very good.
North Carolina at Rutgers
Colgate at Syracuse - Toothpaste wars!
Tulane at Houston - Houston went from doomed to suped doomored the second Case Keenum went out.
Colgate at Arkansas State at Troy
Idaho at Colorado State
No. 8 Oklahoma at Cincinnati
Nevada at Brigham Young
South Dakota State at No. 6 Nebraska - My eyes are gluing shut.
Kentucky at No. 9 Florida - God I hope I don't have to watch this.
Northern Iowa at Iowa State
Akron at Indiana
Central Arkansas at Tulsa
Ohio at Marshall
Middle Tennessee at Louisiana-Lafayette
Georgia at Mississippi State
North Texas at Florida Atlantic
New Mexico State at Kansas
Southern Miss at Louisiana Tech
Southeastern Louisiana at Louisiana-Monroe
Western Kentucky at South Florida
Fresno State at Mississippi
No. 12 South Carolina at No. 17 Auburn
No. 24 Oregon State at No. 3 Boise State TWO hugely overrated teams in this one.
San Jose State at No. 13 Utah - #13? Really?
Utah State at San Diego State - Hillman 4 Prez!
Baylor at Rice
Northern Illinois at Minnesota
No. 22 West Virginia at No. 15 LSU
Memphis at UTEP
California at No. 14 Arizona
New Mexico at UNLV
No. 5 Oregon at Arizona State
Charleston Southern at Hawaii

That's all.

Friday, September 17, 2010


If you had any stock in Kevin Kolb, week 1 was a disaster for you.  I personally expected Kolb to be this year's newly anointed superstar.  Maybe week 3 can help with that.  My game picks were a mediocre 10-6, good enough to make the playoffs or even win the NFC West by 6 games, but not exactly Super Bowl contending material.  I was correct in saying you should have started every offensive player you could in the Houston v. Indy game but then bizarrely highlighted Philadelphia against Green Bay.  Be careful what you do with this opinformation I'm giving you.  Remember, these are not picks against the spread just straight up winners & losers. Just understand what you're getting from the comedy corporation.

SUN, SEP 19Pittsburgh at Tennessee
Pittsburgh eeked out a shitty win in week 1. I don’t think my 6-10 is going to come true for them but there’s still time. Chris Johnson might be the truth and I’m definitely a fan. Mr. Heisman-Runner-Up to (Redacted) has turned it all the way around, I believe. I can’t pick the Steelers and that’s probably more my heart than my head but Dennis Dixon vs. the Titans? Remember the Titans?
Miami at Minnesota
This is a weird game because on the face of it the Vikings should win easily. But they looked rough last week against the Saints and the Dolphins are a decent team. I’m calling it a win for Miami and a ton of over-reaction for the Vikings. The best play in this game is probably Ronnie Brown or Ricky Williams but I don’t know which one and you don’t either. Favre and Henne will both be OK but I would be surprised if there’s a lot of offense in this game.
Arizona at Atlanta
Here’s where the offense will be. Look for Matt Ryan to have his best game ever. And the defenses aren’t bad, keep in mind, it’s just that these two teams will try to engage each other in a track meet. I’m guessing, obviously, because there isn’t a lot of data to go on, but I think the over is a good bet and the stud WRs will all be good plays, as will Michael Turner.
Baltimore at Cincinnati
This game will be terrible. Look at the Jets game last week and expect almost the same everything from the Ravens this week. I’m sitting Ced Benson where I own him, so I’ll be looking for a 200-yd, 6 TD performance out of him.
Kansas City at Cleveland
This one actually should be pretty fun to watch. It should be good for about 500 yds of rushing combined for the two teams since they are both loaded at RB and horrible at QB.
Chicago at Dallas
Dallas is the perfect team to choke out a loss here but I bet the Bears won’t let them. I’m going all in with the Cowboys players from a fantasy perspective. I won’t look up the line but I’d take the Cowboys and the under, just on a gut feeling. Line’s probably 22 with an over/under of 23.

Philadelphia at Detroit
Vick vs. the Lions. Vick's more familiar with fighting against dogs but this time around he won't end up in prison. Philly rightfully gets the highlight this week and Vick will probably be the permanent starter by the end of week 3. I might like to see this game but will probably go frolic with puppies or buy a balloon instead. It's Sunday, you know? You gotta take advantage of your times off.

Buffalo at Green Bay
I didn't mean to pick against Green bay last week.  I'm not sure why I did. They should be able to score 50 this week, so use your Packers players wisely. If you are starting even a single Buffalo Bill, right down to whoever is kicking for them, you are losing.

Tampa Bay at Carolina
Awful Bowl 2010. They play each other twice a year so... I don't know. Avoid this game twice a year? I love KII. He's good. Supposedly Matt Moore is good but I have no reason to believe it and I don't feel the need to find out if it's true at this point. Maybe when it's colder.

Seattle at Denver
This is the most boring seeming thing I could do with a Sunday afternoon. The Squawks wrecked the 49ers last week but the Bills have had a bunch of great starts to seasons in the last 10 years and they never left the basement level of the league's standings. I'm starting Kyle Orton this week, I'll tell you that much. Keep an eye on Deon Butler for Seattle. If he gets more than 1 target a game he might score more than 1 TD. I'm also interested to see if the fat Mike Williams is now a legitimate NFL player or if Pete Carroll just gave him the looks in week 1 to fuck with him later on. Denver will win forever on Petey in this game.

St. Louis at Oakland
The Battle of Los Angeles! Darren McFadden had his best game of the year last week so look for Michael Bush to get the carries this week. I didn't mean DMC had his best game so far, I'm counting on that being the best game he has all year. Sam Bradford looked good last week but threw a bunch of INTs. I think he'll be a good pro but, for this year, he's going to continue to toss those INTs around like business cards.

Houston at Washington
This is a fascinating match up. The perhaps entirely lumpen Washington Redskins aren't built very well for very many matchups in the NFL but I think they can handle the Texans fairly well. Except for Andre Johnson. That guy needs to make up for last week. I really don't know if anyone is worth a start on the Redskins. I'm picking them to get their second straight upset before the losing kicks in.

New England at NY Jets
New England wins easily and they only win one way, so figure Wes Welker and Randy Moss both go for 120+ yds in addition to whatever other yards the other skill guys get so figure for yourself what that means for Brady's numbers, Einstein. After 2 weeks, the Champs will be 0-2 with 2 conference losses, 2 home losses and an 0-1 divisional record.  Let's hear it for the champs!

Jacksonville at San Diego
I'm tempted to take the Alualu's. Jacksonville might not reach the dregs this year. They might not. Ryan Mathews is going to get his yards, though. David Garrard is not entirely awfulness. He's not even really bad but he's also noot great. Doesn't he have Croehn's or something? I think he does. Something like that. Hurray for him being a hero. I'm just delaying for myself the final decision I must make. Forget it - I'm going with another road team.

NY Giants at Indianapolis
For all the annoyance that will be created by Eli vs. Peyton (what's the drill with those Peyton is injured rumors, btw?) this looks like one of the best regular season matchups possible this year. I hate the Giants but I think they're the only NY/NJ team with a shot at playing in this year's Super Bowl. I really like their offensive personnel. The Colts are letting their dominance slip away by having Jim Caldwell coaching the team. They'll string it along OK this season if Peyton holds up. But they are on some rotten ice. The Giants could rush for about 300 yds in this game.

MON, SEP 20New Orleans at San Francisco
My heart's not in this pick at all. New Orleans makes me like the NFL but San Francisco was my preseason league shocker pick. Looks like the 49ers are going to be the ones getting fisted, however, by the league. They might like that, who knows?, but you don't have to stand for it. Poor organization in the 49ers offices let the whole offseason go by without grabbing Donovan McNabb or Jason Campbell while they were available. The defense is great but might get burned by bad offense. At least until the OC is gone. This won't be the blowout week 1 made it seem like it should be but the Saints shouldn't have to sweat too much, either. Pierre Thomas ftw.

Good night and good luck with your fantasy and gambling strategies.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

College Football WEEK 3 - The Worst Week of the Season

Horrible week for me last week. I went 51-19 (118-31 overall) and the Hurricanes looked downright fraudulent in what will apparently be their only regular season game against a legit power team. I think we can write off Pitt and FSU at this point. North Carolina and Georgia Tech are damaged goods, as well. Navy is struggling and a Michigan guy is the clear-cut early season zeitgeist-grabbing player. I don’t really have anything against Michigan but I wish I could believe in Denard Robinson to last the whole season and I wish I could expect a little better team record for a Heisman contender. The Wolverines are gonna lose 5. The ACC and the Big East are looking like the dregs of college football right now. I still don’t have much of a grasp on what to expect from week to week. One of my losses from last week stands out. I wrote about Hawaii beating Army but highlighted the service academy. Army lost (but only by 3 points!), of course, but it goes on the wrong side of the ledger for me and my record.

Thursday, September 16
Cincinnati at North Carolina State – Remember back in the last decade when this would have been an easy pick? Now both teams are awful. Conundrum’d.
Friday, September 17
Kansas at Southern Miss – Sort of interesting game. Both teams are a little weak but could hang around enough to play in their conference title game. Did I just write that? Yep. It won’t happen for Kansas but they’re probably not going to be too bad by the end of the year. I think they’re in the shit half of the Big XII.
California at Nevada – If I get a chance to watch this game I’m taking it. This has strong 100+ point potential (between the two teams – maybe for Berkeley by themselves) and I want to watch Colin Kaepernick because he’s going on the next Heisman list for me when I get around to writing it.
Saturday, September 18
Ohio at No. 2 Ohio State – Buckeyes bore me to tears. Why do they win so much? I hate them.
No. 12 Arkansas at Georgia – Arkansas hasn’t been ranked this highly without being a fraud at any time that I can remember. They’re still fugazi and Ryan Mallett is a piece of shit. Bark on ‘em, Dawgs.
Massachusetts at No. 20 Michigan – Second year in a row Michigan reaches 4-0 before the rug gets pulled out from under them.
Maryland at No. 21 West Virginia – It’s on the schedule so I guess they’re really gonna play it. I want to like both of these teams and I still can’t do it. Noel Devine needs to bust out for a 400 yd game at this point to be back on anybody’s radar.
Kent State at No. 22 Penn State – Penn State got smushed by Alabama and, in the process, proved nothing to me about themselves or their opponent. I guess they’ll win here but they could still go 6-6 without surprising me.
Georgia Tech at North Carolina – Shitastic. Carolina is a mess so of course they’ll have their best season since Mack Brown was there.
Connecticut at Temple – OK, Pierce, I’m fucking sick of this. Run wild or just quit. You’re good at quitting so that should be easy for you.
North Texas at Army – Woohoo!
Northern Illinois at Illinois – Zook!
Iowa State vs. Kansas State* - HP has this K State guy up on the list. I’ll reserve judgment for a few weeks but I hope he’s as good as his early draft reports.
Ball State at Purdue – Fuck you, Marve.
Vanderbilt at Mississippi – Ole’ Miss can definitely find a way to lose even this one.
East Carolina at Virginia Tech – In my gut I see the Hokies 0-3. I’m siding with my intellect and giving them the win.
No. 1 Alabama at Duke – TV deals are awesome because games like this end up being televised nationally.
Air Force at No. 7 Oklahoma – I would choose this over most of these games if I am given the option.
No. 8 Nebraska at Washington – Nebraska can delay their own fraud tour one more week in order to cancel the notion that Jake Locker deserves to play in the NFL.
No. 10 Florida at Tennessee – This used to be my favorite game of the year in the Spurrier Era.
Arizona State at No. 11 Wisconsin – John Clay needs to stop sucking in a hurry if he wants to make my preseason Heisman pick look good.
No. 18 USC at Minnesota – Why did USC schedule this game? Nothing good can come of this.
Hawaii at Colorado – Hawaii travels a lot.
Brigham Young at Florida State – Boy. Hmmm. FSU is bad. Still picking them.
Colorado State at Miami (OH)
Washington State at Southern Methodist – I don’t know if there was ever a time when both of these teams were good. Neither of them is good now, but Washington State is a laughingstock.
Troy at UAB
Central Michigan at Eastern Michigan
Baylor at No. 4 TCU – TCU is at least as big of a fraud as Boise but they will not be called out on it. If this team gets to the NC game look for them to get their brains bashed in.
Indiana at Western Kentucky
Louisville at No. 25 Oregon State – Awful game. I feel sorry for people that watch this.
Portland State at No. 5 Oregon – Oregon will run the score up as they’ve shown in both of their games so far. This game might be the most distant point of a karmic boomerang.
Furman at No. 13 South Carolina - See ya later, Saunders.
Mississippi State at No. 15 LSU - I'm kind of not gonna be very surprised if I get this game wrong.  LSU is kind of crummy.  Did you see where I had the Gators choking against UT?  The only reason I'm not picking the upset here is because I only expect one in the SEC this week.  But one is just the cap I'm setting.
Clemson at No. 16 Auburn - Cam Newton for Heisman gets a big boost this week before going away very shortly.
Akron at Kentucky - What the hell is this game doing taking up time and resources that could be used for literally anything else?
San Diego State at Missouri - Missouri should win. I'm still not picking them.
Marshall at Bowling Green - Marshall could win here and turn some kind of corner in... whatever conference it is that Marshall currently competes in. I would bet the opposite.
Tulsa at Oklahoma State - This is a great opportunity for a man named Kendall to boost his national stock in a non-TV game. 300 yds or bust, buddy.
Middle Tennessee at Memphis
Northwestern at Rice - Dreg on dreg violence. This horrible season might end up with the Big 10 the best conference in the land. Just for this one season!
Florida International at Texas A&M - Let's go FIU... Internationals? I've no idea what they are. They're losers, I know that much, but nothing else.
UCF at Buffalo - Buffalo is dead to me! You hear me? Infestation!
Navy at Louisiana Tech - go Middies. go.
Toledo at Western Michigan - Huge national title implications.
Maine at Syracuse - The Orange are so far down that I had to think about this. There's been a few wins by I-AA schools already this year and I think Maine is a I-AA school.
No. 3 Boise State at Wyoming - It's weird but I sort of want Boise to lose now. As much as I like the idea of a "small" team like theirs in the title game, I was really horrified by how boring BSU looked in the opener. If they keep playing like that I'll be glad to be rid of them.
No. 6 Texas at Texas Tech - If it weren't for the Craig James' son fiasco I would definitely pick the Red Raiders. Because without that nonsense Mike Leach would still be the coach. Texas hasn't been very good so far but I get the distinct impression that they are the best team in the Big XII other than Oklahoma.
No. 14 Utah at New Mexico - Wow. I never knew that Utah was ranked so high before now.
Southern Utah at San Jose State - ?
Notre Dame at Michigan State - I haven't seen the Michigan States play but I have seen some of Notre Dame's first couple of games. Michigan State couldn't be that bad, could they?
Fresno State at Utah State - I should watch this if it's on but I will probably make up a crossword puzzle or take a nap instead.
Louisiana-Monroe at Arkansas State - Go Monroe!
New Mexico State at UTEP - UTEP should play Kentucky at least once every year in every sport. That doesn't very much apply to this game, now, does it? So it is.
No. 9 Iowa at No. 24 Arizona - Nick Foles > Ricky Stanzi
No. 23 Houston at UCLA - Houston might be without Case Keenum. UCLA is terrible. I'm gonna take the Bruins as winners here, close my eyes and not look again until it's over.
UNLV at Idaho
Wake Forest at No. 19 Stanford - Stanford looked great against UCLA last week. I hope Owusu gets back soon.

And we're done.  NFL tomorrow, Heisman Friday, alcoholic stupor all weekend.

Thursday, September 09, 2010


Better late than never with these things.  I picked tonight's game right, anyway, so I'm already heading for the right trajectory.  I messed up the math somewhere and ended up with a statistically impossible 265 total wins league-wide so I did what anybody would do: I took one win away from the Patriots.  My method was simple.  I predicted an imaginary, baseless outcome for each and every regular season game and then added up the records (minus that one Patriots win).  My player predictions will start this off.  I didn't pretend to have any imaginary totals to add up so I'm not giving out any fake yardage totals.  I'm dumb but I ain't no idiot.

MVP:  Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay - I don't even have the Packers winning the NFC, which was actually a surprise to me.  But Aaron Rodgers is a hyp magnet who will throw for a ton of yards and he's never won anything before.  He's a perfect sponge for market saturation.

Rushing Champion:  Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee - He's cocky and he's really fast.  The most amazing thing he did last year isn't the part of his statistical domination getting stuffed down eveyone's throats.  Yeah, 2500 yds rushing sounds ridiculous but so should 2500 yds from scrimmage.  He actually did the latter last year and he didn't have a ton of touches.  He'll be the best again this year.

Receiving Champion:  Marques Colston, WR, Saints - He's got one not super-impressive game under his belt as I write this.  But I think he'll have the best season of any WR in the league, beating out Greg Jennings, Andre Johnson, Michael Crabtree and some other guys I'm not thinking of right now.

DPOY:  Patrick Willis, LB, 49ers - Just wait til you see the batshit crazy stuff I've got going on in the standings predictions.  Pat Willis will take the spot that Revis held last year: most talked about player in the league that the casual fan can't really follow or understand but they just get accepted as great because said fans want to look like they know what they're talking about. 49ers might havethe best D in the league this year.

ROY:  Ndamakuong Suh, DL, Lions - I'm sure I f'd up his name but look, motherfucker, I've got the Lions at 8-8.  Matt Stafford isn't that good yet.  Suh will make the Lions way better.  My other considerations were Sam Bradford (he'll be good but he's going to turn the ball over a lot this year), Ryan Matthews (San Diego throws too much for him to tear it up the way he should this year), DeMariyous Thomas (hurt too much), and Kyle Wilson (he'll get a bunch of picks as a nickel back but he won't start many games).

Surprise Star:  Deon Butler, WR, Seahawks - I expect a 1,000 yd season out of this guy.  He'll be this year's Miles Austin.

And here goes nothing:

New England 11-5 - boring, old, not really that boring because they throw the ball 65 times/game.
Miami 10-6 - boring, not that old.
NY Jets 6-10 - disappointment to end all disappointments after the NY media hype of the last 90 days.
Buffalo 5-11 - truly awful. CJ Spiller is not a 300 carry kind of guy, I don't think.  He's like an Eric Metcalf clone.

Baltimore 13-3 - top seed in the AFC by record but not exactly a rock solid Super Bowl pick
Cincinnatti 8-8 - I really expected more out of my imaginary Bengals
Pittsburgh 7-9 - I have them as the last team to win a game in the league.  Ol' Rapey Greycock might turn it on when he gets back but this team is fucked.
Cleveland 7-9 - I was really surprised at how poorly I had them finishing.  Don't worry Cleveland fans, Mike Holmgren will not chain your franchise to the neck of future horrible pro QB Jake Locker.

Indianapolis 12-4 - and this would be a down year for them. Terrible coaches can only coast on the prior regime's program for so long, though, so expect the facade to start cracking this year.
Tennessee 11-5 - yeah, that's right.  Chris Johnson will get some MVP votes of his own this year.
Houston 8-8 - this team might never get it all the way right.  Matt Schaub is better than Mike Vick, at least.
Jacksonville 4-12 - still might not get Jack del Rio fired somehow

Oakland 8-8 - worst division winner of the year
Denver 8-8 - will get swept by Oakland, of all things, to narrowly snatch their hard-won label as chokers out of the seeming inevitability of a playoff run.
Kansas City 7-9 - they should run a lot more than they will.
San Diego 4-12 - see? Ryan Mathews can't win shit when his team is the worst team in the worst division in football!

NY Giants 10-6 - best football team in the Meadowlands II.
Dallas 8-8 - somewhat surprising to see them suck this bad. God will do anything to keep a home team from playing in the Super Bowl, though, as has been proven by top scientists the world over.
Washington 7-9 - it seems like they are in a similar position every year.
Philadelphia 6-10 - record will make the season seem worse than the reality. They'll be stronger in 2011.

Green Bay 12-4 - dominant seeming team won't even get homefield in their conference.
Minnesota 10-6 - Favre will not go out on top but he won't be an outright embarrassment, either.
Detroit 8-8 - this is like winning the Super Bowl for the Lions.
Chicago 3-13 - and with the first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft...

New Orleans 12-4 - I'm just guessing on the tiebreaker going their way.
Atlanta 12-4 - I've got a really good feeling about this team.
Tampa Bay 5-11 - look! They aren't in last place!
Carolina 3-13 - this is my least likely prediction in this whole stupid game I'm playing.  This team might be terrible but, come on, 3 wins? I guessed it all so I'm going with it. This feels shaky.

San Francisco 13-3 - I really had no intention or expectation of San Francisco being this good.  I believe it, though. They've got talent, discipline and a tissue soft schedule. This is a fluke thing, though, so don't count on it extending into the playoffs.
Seattle 7-9 - better than the record indicates? No, about exactly that good.
Arizona 5-11 - expect the unexpected disaster on every play from Arizona this year.
St. Louis 4-12 - this will count as improvement. They'll be fine in 2012 if the NFL still exists then.

Round 1
Brett Favre's career will end, fittingly, at Lambeau Field when the Packers destroy the Vikings.
Atlanta will beat the Giants at the Meadowlands.
In a not exciting for anybody rubber match, the Patriots will beat the Dolphins in Foxboro thanks to some predictably lousy officiating.
Tennessee will find a way to lose to Oakland just to extend the joke of Oakland being in the playoffs in the first place.

Round 2
Green Bay vs. New Orleans will be one of the best playoff games of all time. I have a tough time picking either team as the winner. I'll say Green Bay just because the Saints won it all last year.
San Francisco will surprisingly wallop the Falcons in a matchup of former rivals.
Indianapolis and New England will bore the country to sleep before Indy wins by default.
Baltimore will beat Oakland in one of the worst playoff games of all time. It's just the way it is.

Championship Round
San Francisco will crumble in a haze of Alex Smith turnovers at home to catapult Green Bay into the Super Bowl to meet...
Baltimore!  Take that Irsay!  The Colts will meet their demise in Baltimore.  It will be very poetic.

Baltimore vs. Green Bay - Joe Flacco will play the game of his life only to be superceded in MVP voting by LeRon McLain (sp? - remember this is a strict no research blog) who will somehow break out for a bunch of long runs.  Green Bay will be great in the deep passing game but will get all kinds of ruined on short routes and in the running game.  Ray Murda will announce his retirement at the end of the game but will play two more seasons anyway.

So there you have it, the big gay NFL Predictions Roundup brought to you by the comedy corporation, Laugh-O!  I leave to you the most enduring and beautiful testament to Western culture history us thus far bequeathed us:

NFL PREDICTIONS FOR WEEK 1 (Gambling/Fantasy Cheat Sheet)

This is probably not something you want to use as a gambling or fantasy cheat sheet.  I go through all the games and I pick winners with stupid little comments about what players I expect to have big games.  I don't have Sunday Ticket anymore.  The guesswork involved in this season will be monumentally unfocused.  I will not pretend that I know what I'm talking about.  Also, it may seem a little disjointed but I'm going to put up my season predictions tomorrow, after the first game has been played.  Scheduling conflicts have kept me from having that shit taken care of before now.  Onward and downward.  The highlighted team wins the game.

Minnesota at New Orleans - You know who's a good player?  Marques Colston.  Play him.  Play Drew Brees.  Play Purple Jesus of Fumbles.  This should be a fun game to watch.  I fully expect things to start unraveling for the Vikings sometime in the second half of this game.  Fuck up early and often this year.

Carolina at NY Giants - The Panthers are a mess.  This is the first real game in this new stadium.  The Giants will find a way to destroy Carolina.  Definitely play Bradshaw and Jacobs, probably play Eli and Steve Smith.  One of Carolina's runners will be good.
Atlanta at Pittsburgh - Dennis Dixon is starting for the Steelers.  They are doomed.  Matt Ryan will probably have shitty numbers here but Michael Tuner might get some burn going.  Start Tony Gonzalez.
Cleveland at Tampa Bay - Cleveland will run for 400 yds as a team to beat out the Bucs 300 yds on the ground.  Start all the RBs.
Denver at Jacksonville - If I were to bet on such things I would have major $$$ on a bet that Tebow will get real playing time in his hometown,  Other than that I'd start whoever it is that plays running back in Denver these days.
Indianapolis at Houston - Start every offensive player you've got for this one.
Miami at Buffalo - Start whatever unfortunate sot you've got for the Dolphins.
Detroit at Chicago - Horrible for every one witnesing it.
Oakland at Tennessee - 2 wrongs don't make it right, you?
Cincinnati at New England - New look Bengals!
Arizona at St. Louis - I've got an important meeting with my pillow coming out.  Arizona will be terrible all year.
San Francisco at Seattle - Deon Butler will be the surprise WR for this whole year unless Golden Tate takes it over,
Green Bay at Philadelphia - Philly enters  a brand new world with him PPV and no more McNabb.
Dallas at Washington - Who cares

Baltimore at NY Jets - Baltimore will look good winning this one.
San Diego at Kansas City - Double ugh.

That's all for tonight.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010


No, it's not September 11th as I write this.  It feels a little odd to have sports happening on September 11th.  Not sure what else to do, though.  I'm pretty sure we get football on December 7th, too.  Oh, well.  This is the week that determines my level of interest in the remainder of the season.  So soon?  Yeah, because I might end up really enjoying another season without Miami in the title chase but it certainly won't feel as "important" to me.  Navy already screwed things up by turning the ball over 47 times against Maryland.  My Ricky Dobbbs 4 Heisman campaign is tots dunzors.

I was hoping for some extra clarity in the Heisman race but I didn't get any.  I'll post a separate Heisman column on Friday.  I don't feel up to it and I want to look busier.  So this marathon gets cut down a little bit.  I'm just going off the top, as usual, here.  I had a very impressive looking record last week, going 67-12, but if you look at the numbers a little closer you'll notice that there are only 120 teams (or close to there) in Division I-A and 79 games played last week.  So 38 teams played againt I-AA competition.  As far as I know only Ole Miss lost.  That means I was only 30-11 in real terms.  Still a decent record but most week 1 games are envisioned as mismatches.  I went mostly chalk (I think) last week.  My no research idiocy is calling out for more upset picks.  Let's get to it, shall I?

Thursday, September 9

Central Michigan at Temple - Bernarrrdd??  Temple almost fucked up horribly last week.  Bernard Pierce only looked decent in the 4th quarter.  He'll pick it up, though.  I'm not worried.
No. 21 Auburn at Mississippi State - Great win for Miss State last week.  Back to reality...
Friday, September 10

No. 23 West Virginia at Marshall - Something seems odd about this game.  Oh, yeah, West Virginia is ranked.  They probably don't deserve it and Noel Devine is off the radar in my Heisman poll of me but Marshall is pretty goddamn terrible.
UTEP at Houston - Case Keenum needs bigger numbers.  Last game was annoying.

Saturday, September 11
San Jose State at No. 11 Wisconsin - John Clay for Heisman.  I didn't even look at the stats from last week.  I've seen him before and I know he's good.
No. 15 Georgia Tech at Kansas - Kansas got shut out by some team.  Maybe a AA school.  I'm not sure.  The Wramblin Wreck is due for a big fall in the ACC but Kansas isn't in the ACC and they aren't any good.
No. 22 Georgia at No. 24 South Carolina - Early season SEC game.  South Carolina surpirsed me by not being completely ineffectual last week.  Spurrier has to make this stupid team a little better eventually.  Georgia...  I don't know.  I have no reasons.
Texas Southern at Connecticut - UConn sucks
Illinois State at Northwestern - Northwestern sucks
South Dakota at Minnesota - Minnesota really sucks
Memphis at East Carolina - Memphis might be the worst team in Div I-A.  I have no reason to believe that but they might be.
Duke at Wake Forest - I like everybody better than Duke.
Hawaii at Army - Some ESPN guy talked about how hard this road trip will be but, come on, to Army?
Gardner-Webb at Akron
Indiana State at Cincinnati
Michigan State vs. Florida Atlantic* - This game is on a neutral field and Florida Atlantic has no chance.  I gotta take those odds.
Western Illinois at Purdue - Robert Marve is QB for Purdue.
South Florida at No. 8 Florida - Based on last week, Florida might lose to anybody.  They will save all their losses for better teams, though.
Idaho at No. 6 Nebraska - If it weren't for Boise State getting #1 votes Nebraska would be the clear favorite to be the most overrated team in America.
New Hampshire at Pittsburgh
James Madison at No. 13 Virginia Tech
Eastern Michigan at Miami (OH)
Iowa State at No. 9 Iowa
No. 17 Florida State at No. 10 Oklahoma - No, don't believe it.  I still won't change the pick.
Colorado at California - Hahaha! I'm kidding.
Michigan at Notre Dame - this game is for some stupid, inflated, soon to burst ranking.
Eastern Kentucky at Louisville
Kent State at Boston College
Presbyterian at Clemson Is Presbyterian a D I-A school now?
Arkansas State at Louisiana-Lafayette
Georgia Southern at Navy - The biggest letdown for me in week 1 tries to salvage their image.
No. 12 Miami (FL) at No. 2 Ohio State - I've been waiting all summer for this game.  Miami has to win.
UNLV at No. 20 Utah
Brigham Young at Air Force
Morgan State at Maryland
No. 18 Penn State at No. 1 Alabama - I kind of hope Penn State wins.  But only kind of.  I don't think they have a chance, though.
Tennessee Tech at No. 4 TCU - TCU is gonna beat the shit out of this school's football team.
Wyoming at No. 5 Texas - Not as easy as it seems but probably just as easy as Rice.  Texas should have won that game by a lot more than they did.
No. 7 Oregon at Tennessee - Tennessee has a lot of things to correct and they aren't a top 25 team.  Oregon will fuck up here like they have to do early in the season just because they always do shit like that.
No. 14 Arkansas vs. Louisiana-Monroe* - Woohoo.  Go pigfuckers.
No. 19 LSU at Vanderbilt - LSU should have lost to UNC last week.
McNeese State at Missouri
Toledo at Ohio
Troy at Oklahoma State - OK State takes a tough opponent here but they've got some guy named Kendall that had the best game of anyone in week 1.
Bowling Green at Tulsa
Buffalo at Baylor
Louisiana Tech at Texas A&M
Rice at North Texas
Syracuse at Washington - There was a good long while there where this would have been a matchup of top 10 teams.  Syracuse might not even be top 10 in their own conference anymore.  Which sucks because there aren't 10 teams in their conference.
Montana State at Washington State
Liberty at Ball State
Austin Peay at Middle Tennessee
North Dakota at Northern Illinois
Prairie View A&M at Southern Miss
Nicholls State at Western Michigan
Missouri State at Kansas State
Western Kentucky at Kentucky
Southern Illinois at Illinois - There are still a lot of bullshit matchups this week
North Carolina State at UCF
San Diego State at New Mexico State
Texas Tech at New Mexico
Idaho State at Utah State
Rutgers at FIU - I wonder if Rutgers is an underdog here.
UAB at Southern Methodist
Mississippi at Tulane - There is no way Ole Miss loses this game but I refuse to pick them anyway.
Northern Arizona at Arizona State
Citadel at Arizona
Virginia at No. 16 USC - You know, for all the hype around this week, this is one of the better matchups.  Ugh.
No. 25 Stanford at UCLA - I might actually watch this.  Owusu needs to light it up somehow
Colorado State at Nevada - Great capper to the week.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010


Football season is upon us. I’m more excited by this season than I can remember feeling about football since I was a 16 year old Cowboys fan. I’m giddy about Miami’s prospects so I assume they’ll go out and lose to FAMU tomorrow night. Which would be, admittedly, pretty funny. Other things I’m hopeful about: Bernard Pierce becoming a household name. Navy continuing their domination of the Independents conference. Ricky Dobbs getting on some Heisman ballots. Houston attempting to one-up their own history and going balls-to-the-wall pass crazy trying to get Case Keenum up to 6,000yds passing on the year. Here’s my first attempt at weekly predictions. I don’t know how long I’ll keep up with my tabulations, I should do this shit in Excel if I’m really worrying about it. I’m not worrying about it. If you read this last year let me remind you of the rules; if you’ve never read it before let me fill you in: Research is against the rules. This all has to come off the top of the head. I like to throw out some ridiculous predictions. Navy always gets picked to win. Miami gets picked to win but I’ll let you know if I believe it or not. That’s the predictions. The highlighted team is the winner. Also notable is the fact that I will never remember FBS and FCS so I just use I-A and I-AA when it comes up.

The Heisman list will get whittled down and is based on my observations of actual games. My list is predicated on having seen at least one game from a player and is in no way representative of how I think the voting will go. Leave that shit to the HP. I love that site and wouldn’t try to duplicate what he does. I said in the last post that I’d have a Heisman list to go with predictions but that’s stupid. Just predictions for the first week. I’ll try to do this on Tuesday nights from now on. Let’s see if I can get more than 10 page views a week for this season. Onward and upward!

Presbyterian at Wake Forest – best game of the year. Book it.
Southeast Missouri State at Ball State – also the best game of the year.
Rhode Island at Buffalo – No more Turner Gill in Buffalo. URI is not I-A as far as I know.
Hampton at Central Michigan – Another classic matchup. Thursday will be full of thrillers.
Murray State at Kent State – 10 students are killed on campus every week at Kent State. Tradition rules.
Marshall at No. 2 Ohio State – As much as I would love to pick Marshall that’s just ridiculous. That program fell off a cliff. I don’t think Terrelle Pryor will even be the best Heisman candidate on the Buckeyes, for what it’s worth.
Florida A&M at No. 13 Miami (FL) – I don’t know what to expect. Jacory won’t throw many passes. The RBs barely even have an established pecking order. The defense looks rugged but we’ll see. I want the Canes to come out and play disciplined for 4 quarters. If they don’t? Maybe they haven’t made any sort of leap forward. They should win this one by about 50. Randy Shannon has shown little to no propensity for running up the score thus far in his coaching career.
Towson at Indiana – Indiana’s biggest win of the year. Might be the only one.
Norfolk State at Rutgers
Minnesota at Middle Tennessee – Good win on the road for the Gophers. Best game of the year, also.
Southern Miss at South Carolina – One of the few games on this whole docket that I have trouble making up my mind about. South Carolina is the snooziest team to watch in the SEC. Southern Miss is randomly good every few years. What happens here? I’ll take a road team just to take a road team. Maybe Spurrier can retire after this game.
Florida Atlantic at UAB – Sure, why not? This game will have huge National Title implications
Northern Illinois at Iowa State – Best part about this one is that I really don’t have any knowledge of either program. NIU put out Michael Turner, right?
Southeastern Louisiana at Tulane – I give Tulane entirely too much credit on here, too, if you’re wondering.
No. 15 Pittsburgh at Utah – Is Utah good? I don’t remember. Strong candidate for upset of the week but I’m not going to blow my load on this one.
North Dakota at Idaho – I like the Vandals.
Eastern Washington at Nevada – This might be a conference game. This might be a joke that ESPN’s web programmers put on the schedule. Whatever it is, it’s a huge game.
No. 14 USC at Hawaii – There. That’s more like it.
Villanova at Temple – Bernarrrrrrrdddddddddddddd!
Arizona at Toledo – I vaguely remember UA having a QB last year. I think he’s back.
Miami (OH) at No. 4 Florida – Flori-duh. Great out of conference schedule they lined up this year. This is Urban Meyer’s big comeback game.
Youngstown State at No. 19 Penn State – Great game.
Samford at No. 20 Florida State – Florida State deserves to lose this game to Bobby Bowden’s alma mater.
Western Michigan at Michigan State
Eastern Illinois at No. 9 Iowa – Hmmm… Iowa does suck pretty bad, though.
Louisiana-Lafayette at No. 23 Georgia – Not an endorsement of Richt.
Illinois vs. Missouri* - Nobody wins. Especially Zook. But nobody wins.
South Carolina State at No. 16 Georgia Tech – Here’s the part where I start rushing through this shit.
Weber State at Boston College
Colorado vs. Colorado State*
Northwestern State at Air Force
No. 5 Texas vs. Rice* - Texas will score 85+ points.
New Mexico at No. 11 Oregon – Oregon learned their lesson last year when they opened with Boise. No more good teams the first week.
Coastal Carolina at No. 25 West Virginia – Noel Devine needs to go crazy on the yardage where he can.
Purdue at Notre Dame – I actually think Dayne Crist is a good player. He will get hurt in this game, though, because that’s what he does.
Kentucky at Louisville – Rivalry game!
Connecticut at Michigan – I highlighted Michigan by mistake. They have to earn a lot of trust before they start seeing regular highlights.
Jacksonville State at Mississippi – Hahahahaha to Ole Miss and Jeremiah Masoli. Even though I liked watching him play and understand that he’s been railroaded as many times as he’s fucked up.
North Texas at Clemson – Clemson sucks but North Texas is the worst.
UCLA at Kansas State – Big win for UCLA. They will never be ranked higher than they will be after this week.
UC Davis at California
Western Carolina at North Carolina State
Richmond at Virginia – Weird scheduling. UVA is coached by the guy that made Richmond a I-AA powerhouse. UVA hasn’t been good in a while and the ACC did butcher the early-going last year so this highlight isn’t very solid feeling.
Syracuse at Akron – Whatever.
South Dakota at UCF
Tennessee-Martin at Tennessee – Go Vols. Go. Fight. Bet UT wins this by their highest margin of the year. I’m giving ‘em 7.
Sacramento State at Stanford – I like Stanford even without Gerhart. There, I said it.
San Jose State at No. 1 Alabama – Pensacola is in the building, that’s all I got to say.
Utah State at No. 7 Oklahoma
Western Kentucky at No. 8 Nebraska
Tennessee Tech at No. 17 Arkansas
Arkansas State at No. 22 Auburn
Elon at Duke
Wofford at Ohio
Washington State at Oklahoma State – Nice little warm-up game for OK State.
Sam Houston State at Baylor
Stephen F. Austin at Texas A&M – A&M loves these games. They will try for 100.
Washington at Brigham Young – And there goes Jake Locker’s Heisman…
Memphis at Mississippi State – Nobody will ever know how this game ended. Or started. Or was in the middle.
Army at Eastern Michigan
North Dakota State at Kansas – Big game atmosphere for this one.
Bowling Green at Troy – I struggled with this but why bother?
Louisiana Tech vs. Grambling State* - See above.
Stony Brook at South Florida – USF in the new era. Hope they collapse.
Northwestern at Vanderbilt
No. 24 Oregon State vs. No. 6 TCU* - BS busters will suck balls this week. I’ve finally come to terms with this: Andy Dalton blows. Fuck TCU.
No. 21 LSU vs. No. 18 North Carolina* - UNC is a mess and I hope Butch Davis falls on his face. Of course, his record at Carolina is actually terrible so I’m pretty late to the party with that sentiment.
Nicholls State at San Diego State
Texas State at Houston – I don’t know what Texas Tech is going to be like from now on. I wish Leach was there and the final score could be 68-54 or some shit. For all I know, TxTech is even better now. I want Keenum to do well, though, so I’m picking Houston. Oh, wait. Texas State? That’s a school? Keenum should be just fine.
Southern Utah at Wyoming
Arkansas-Pine Bluff at UTEP
Portland State at Arizona State
Cincinnati at Fresno State - It's a new era in Cincinnati.
No. 12 Wisconsin at UNLV – John Clay is the most likely 2,000yd rusher in the country.

Tulsa at East Carolina – I bet this game goes on as planned.
Southern Methodist at Texas Tech – So, I think these bases have been covered. Except to say that June Jones will extract his revenge. Does he have revenge to extract? I think he always does.

Navy vs. Maryland* - Go Middies!
No. 3 Boise State vs. No. 10 Virginia Tech* - I enjoy Boise State football. I really do. I kind of want them to win. I like the idea of them being a title contender. Here we finally are, though, so close to the season. It won’t happen. It just won’t. Virginia Tech will play angry and they won’t throw many passes. This doesn’t even have the feeling of a good game to me. I expect the Hokies to truck ‘em.

There you have it, see you next week.