Monday, December 03, 2012

Never, ever thought I'd have to resort to...

I'm just back from dropping off "lab work" at the hospital. A little something referred to in polite company as "stool samples." Let me tell you something about collecting those suckers: it's really disgusting. I had to poop into a "hat" and then use a little, teeny, jagged spork to break off little chunks of feces and drop them into each of three little pill bottles filled with liquids, stir it up, seal it, shake it up and then bring it to your nearest lab for the studies of fecal phenomena. The shitting in the hat is the worst part. In spite of how much I have always wanted to shit in a hat, ever since my then-girlfriend's cat shat in my hat when I was 18, I'd never considered that the hat might be a white plastic thing that would somehow amplify the smell of shit throughout my bathroom. I lit matches, I burned candles, I still smelled shit even after I had showered. Stool samples aren't for the faint of heart, yo.

Ever since I went to the doctor on Friday and he (not my normal doc) told me that I had to submit stool samples to the lab I've had this little modified snippet of a Cee-Lo rap running through my head: "I never, ever thought I'd have to resort to stool sampling." The actual line says drug smuggling, not sure why it was my reaction but it was immediate and has held serve. The song is one of my all-time favorite raps and, for better and worse, was Cee-Lo's introduction to America. It's at the very end of the first verse of Outkast "Git Up, Git Out" and I would love to post the music video for you but I didn't realize they shuffle the verses and shorten the song for the video. I'll give you this instead (I found a site once that had embeddable sound files but I am bored by this already):

Close enough. If you listen long enough you will hear Big Gipp say "eat my shit..." and maybe that explains why this song makes me thing about playing with dumps. Have fun today. Let your poops live a normal poop life and don't try to extend them by shitting in a hat. I assume anybody reading this site is a coprophiliac. Don't do that, y'all, it's gross.