Wednesday, September 30, 2009

CFB Predictions for the first weekend of October

A prediction I made to myself about 2 months ago will apparently not come true but it's close. The Baltimore Orioles are going to finish with the worst record in the AL at least. The Nationals get the worst in the majors, pretty much wire-to-wire. It kind of hurts worse when you realize they were supposed to be that terrible. The O's? I don't know what to expect from them. Maybe they can turn it on in the next 2 years but I don't have a good feeling about it. The Nats will get that catcher next year and develop him to become a decent C in the majors sometime around his 30th birthday. Long after he's flamed out in Washington. Jeff Weaver's twin from another mother/decade Stephen Strasburg willn't even do that. He'll get tons of money completely incommensurate to his performance for a long while but he will never be truly "good." Now let's get on to college football, shall we?

I like the idea of doing this regularly. Like every week kind of regularly. But I am lazy, so don't count on me for things. Purple + Bold = I think this team will win. This is yelling into an infinite wind tunnel, so here we go:

Hawaii at Louisiana Tech Wednesday night football! Don’t have an opinion really, but I’ve got to pick a winner.
Colorado at West Virginia Dan Hawkins is terrible
Southern Miss at UAB
Pittsburgh at Louisville No, not a vote of confidence for Wannstedt.
Utah State at No. 20 Brigham Young
No. 6 Virginia Tech at Duke
No. 22 Michigan at Michigan State MSU is heartless.
Clemson at Maryland Just ‘cause. No, not really. Clemson will win. But I want Md to win so I’m picking them. Fair?
Wisconsin at Minnesota
Virginia at North Carolina Wow. What a shit fest. I loved UVA when I was a kid. They should go back to their awesome orange jerseys and white helmets.
South Florida at Syracuse USF should be ranked. Somewhere around #15
East Carolina at Marshall
Tulane at Army Toughest pick of the week. Really. I have no idea who will win and I kind of like both of them in the same way.
Toledo at Ball State Both horrible and I think Ball State might be better but I can’t be bothered to look up information. Do I have any base of knowledge for most of these picks? Good lord, no. But I didn’t want to write an article about Georgia v. LSU
Northwestern at Purdue
Arkansas State at No. 13 Iowa
No. 3 Alabama at Kentucky Richardson busts for 180yds and Kentucky won’t score.
No. 10 Cincinnati at Miami (OH) Cincinnati, USF and WVU are fun to watch. I like the Big East and I wish Miami was still in it
Temple at Eastern Michigan Holy mackerel. Does this game pay for itself? How can these two universities possibly clear a profit on this? Does this have some kind of tie-in to basketball that makes it worthwhile?
Kansas State at Iowa State I want K-State to be like they were 6 years ago because I sort of hate everyone else in the Big 12 except for Texas Tech
No. 4 LSU at No. 18 Georgia Here it is. Between the hedges. The game that inspired me to write all this other shit. I think LSU will bomb on Georgia. Seriously. I’ve watched both of these teams a couple of times and I have no faith in Georgia. LSU is really talented, just like they always are, and Georgia is pretty talented as well. But Mark Richt is a lot like Bobby Bowden over the past 9 years. That is to say, he brings in lots of great recruits, beats most of the shitty teams he’s supposed to beat, wins his bowl games and puts out lots of NFL talent. But he will never win another title. At least Bowden got his titles as a head coach. Because he will always lose this type of game. LSU will get some #1 votes out of this thing and then we’ll have an insufferable week of hype leading to the Florida game. During that week you will see 317 Tim Tebow stories on ESPN, 3 LSU stories. And Florida will win because they have this week off. Tebow will not even be a factor but he will get credit for the W even if he doesn’t play.
No. 15 Penn State at Illinois Please, Ron Zook, please just stop. I beseech you. I am much more surprised to see Zook coaching a major school than to see Joe Paterno still coaching. If I’d been told in 2003 that only one of these coaches would still be coaching, I would have guessed JoePa.
UCLA at Stanford
Washington at Notre Dame
Florida State at Boston College Consistency is over-rated. Who needs to win every week? Variety is the spice of life!
North Carolina State at Wake Forest
Central Michigan at Buffalo
Memphis at UCF
Air Force at Navy Go Middies!
Western Michigan at Northern Illinois
New Mexico at Texas Tech
Florida International at Louisiana-Monroe
Ohio at Bowling Green
Wyoming at Florida Atlantic
UNLV at Nevada I’m basing this pick on my confidence in the stellar backfield of Randall Cunningham and Ickey Woods. I don’t think those guys ever played together because, if I remember correctly, Woods was a JuCo transfer. But then again, I’m not looking this up. And I won’t watch this game unless I click on the ‘check scores’ button and it’s 32-41 in the 1st quarter.
No. 9 Ohio State at Indiana Somebody got to die…
No. 21 Mississippi at Vanderbilt Ole Miss is terrible but I have bad luck picking against them. Jevan Snead is like David Klingler without the 5000 yd season or the 700-yd/12-td game. Which means he’s a career backup but he’ll at least be in the league.
Oregon State at Arizona State I like Oregon State’s RB and I have to assume that the guys they had last year that made them decent are still OK. The ones that are still in school. ASU? Don’t trust them. Ever. Jake Plummer is available, but he’s ineligible for college football.
Kent State at Baylor Somehow, don’t know who he is, the Baylor backup QB will step up and keep them viable for a bowl game.
South Carolina State at South Carolina Spurrier should really get back into coaching and recruiting if he’s gonna keep taking the other USC’s money like this.
No. 25 Georgia Tech at Mississippi State ACC swine...
Texas A&M vs. Arkansas* What’s the asterisk for? I didn’t look at the bottom of the schedules page to figure it out. That’s how thorough I am. I root against Arkansas because they were assholes and idiots for firing Houston Nutt. To dredge up the past, let’s recount: He took your terrible, bottom of the pack SEC football program and made it a perennial contender with great recruiting and a good track record with the NFL but couldn’t quite win the title game and a few of his players mothers didn’t like him. I see why you’d need to replace him rather than fortifying the program and treating him like the deep South version of Frank Beamer. Way to go Arkansas. You fucked your program and lost money doing it. Texas A&M apparently hasn’t been visible or something. I know Mike Sherman is a bad head coach but I still think they can beat Arkansas based on nothing.
Tulsa at Rice
Auburn at Tennessee I thought Lane Kiffin could’ve been a good NFL coach. He’s not gonna get Tennessee back to the top of the SEC for at least a couple of years and I don’t know if he’s really the great recruiting leader that USC boosters make him out to be but I hope he gets a chance to stick around for a couple of years. He’s entertaining.
UC Davis at No. 5 Boise State The record for points in a college football game is still 222 by Georgia Tech, right? Because I don’t want to predict it’s going to fall this week and then find out it’s something ridiculous like 250 by some D-III school. Because Boise could go for 223 here, but asking for anything more than that might be unreasonable.
No. 7 USC at No. 24 California Seriously? Didn’t Berkeley just lose by 647 points to Oregon? Yeah, they did. That game was fluky for Cal. USC’s defense is overrated and I’m predicting Jahvid Best to go nuts in this game.
No. 8 Oklahoma at No. 17 Miami (FL) I’m not entirely sold on this pick but I couldn’t take it if Miami pulls it off and I have them losing. Oklahoma is overrated and Miami is every bit as athletic as them. Remember when I wasn’t sure a week and a half ago? I’m sure now. Miami is faster than Oklahoma and that’s always a problem for the Sooners. They aren’t a bad team, but they will finish the season 9-3. Guess who the other loss is going to come against. And Sam Bradford’s gonna come out next year and get drafted in the top 10. He will then proceed to sink whatever franchise made that stupid pick. This guy is going to be bad on the JaMarcus Russell/Akili Smith/Ryan Leaf level. He’s worse than Brady Quinn. And if I say it? You can guarantee I’m wrong.
Southern Methodist at No. 11 TCU
New Mexico State at San Diego State I wish Marshall Faulk still played college football.
No. 12 Houston at UTEP Pensacola, FL! Sorry, that’s where Mike Price was when he flushed his career down the tubes. I never understood that. I mean, who cares that he went to a strip club and had sex with two of the strippers? What detail did I miss about this story that made it make sense? Houston will destroy Texas Western in this game. I hope Case Keenum puts up some Jack Pardee-era numbers. Not because I dislike UTEP, I don’t, but because there haven’t been any awesome numbers like that from anyone so far this
Washington State at No. 16 Oregon
Colorado State at Idaho

Note to self: Blogger controls are really stupid. I can't import highlights, bolds, or text colors? Why is that? Any way - figure out a better technique for typing this up next time you do it. Got it me? Got it.

Monday, September 28, 2009

AdBear, birth of a legend

I had this idea for a TV show that seems completely beyond my means but not actually worthy of a network pitch. I swear there isn't more than 10 minutes of life in an episode. It is, if you didn't guess from the post title, called, AdBear. Maybe I should just write a bunch of stories about AdBear on this site and then it can just be a serial online. I like it a lot but acknowledge it as terrible. AdBear is a Grizzly Bear that works for an ad agency. He wears a button-down shirt and necktie to work, with dark slacks and glasses. His watch is a Citizen. He wants to find a nice girl to date but it's hard because he's a bear. Soon, on laugh-o, you will bear witness to the greatest online serial to date. Somebody pay me!

Copy Writing

If you're looking for a very small amount of extra income, I found this website called textbroker that seems to work OK. They just dump the money into your PayPal account and you can reasonably make $20-$30/day just writing terrible SEO articles and things like that. So, if you're looking at my site thinking, "Wow! This guy knows how to make money!" then you're an idiot. But if you write also and are looking for something to do in your spare time that can keep you loose and limber as a writer it's a decent place to go. If you know anybody looking to actually pay a fair market price this isn't a great idea. Actually, if you know anybody like that just refer them to me. I do have chops, this site notwithstanding.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Heiman Poll of One

I love hype for individual players, especially in football. In my life I've seen maybe 5 glamour guys who would have been great on any team. Deion Sanders, Barry Sanders, Eric Dickerson, Jerry Rice and Peyton Manning are the only ones I'm sure of and I've been watching football since I was 4 years old. So I write in a sort of regular fashion about college players that I've hyped up in my mind to the point that I think they're way more awesome than any other player. In short, I try to hype my own Heisman contenders. Guys I would vote for if I was given the chance.

Past recipients of my hype honors are Mike Williams, Michael Crabtree and Jahvid Best. I always like to be a bit of a front runner. When I was 12/13 years old, my favorite college players were Andre Ware and then David Klingler. I was sure that both would be great NFL QB's. I still think Ware could have been great in the right situation. But it didn't happen. And so I will try to project my terrible clairvoyance into the future.

Quick side note: I'm not always terrible at these things. I was dumbfounded that Warren Sapp could fall to the #12 pick in the draft (he is one of my all-time favorites and part of the reason I still love Miami in spite having never enrolled there) and had Derrick Brooks (Pensacola, FL!)and Ray Lewis pegged for HOF careers before they'd played a down in the league. OK, so maybe I think everyone good out of the state of Florida, QBs excepted, is going to be great in the NFL. It works out well that about half the best players of my lifetime are from Florida. Anyway, on to the poll!

This isn't who I think will win the Heisman. These are the best players I've watched this season. So this is how I would vote for the award if I were given a vote to cast:

1.) Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno St. - If you watched the Boise State game, you get it. This guy is bonkers. He had a terrible game against Cincinnati and still rushed for 145 yds. 3.8 ypg, sure, but they can't all be 60+ yd rushes, can they? No, they can't.

2.) Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame - Look, I hate this kid. I watched that stupid press conference he did when he signed with Notre Dame. He seems obnoxious and his hair is still stupid even if it isn't as stupid as it was 3 years ago. His parents seem like assholes and he seems destined to be a total bust as a pro because he seems like he's been stage-mommed into this moment in the spotlight. But I've also watched him play. A lot. Notre Dame is on all the fucking time and I watch at least a little of every one of their games so I can root for whoever they are playing to beat the ever-living shit out of them. My point here, in placing this little fucker this high on the list, is that if he weren't their quarterback this year and at the end of last season then a lot of the teams they've played would, in fact, have beaten the ever-living shit out of them. Charlie Weis is a dope of a head football coach and a terrible recruiter but he must suck Clausen's dick in effigy every night in thanks and praise for making Weis look a little better than he really is. Jimmy Clausen is the best Clausen yet. Which seems like faint praise but it really isn't. Whichever Clausen it was that went to Tennessee was a really good college QB. If Jimmy gets injured, Notre Dame is done and it might be bad enough that the most institutionally racist contract in sports - Weis' massive, poison pill-laden contract extension for doing pretty much the same job Ty Willingham did - might actually be terminated. So this guy gets my vote as playing the best of any QB I've watched. Ouch.

3.) Tim Tebow, God's chosen mohel for Christianity, Phillipines - He got a concussion and he hasn't throw for shit this year. He might be in a haze of sucking for the rest of this season because of the head injury (which is one year earlier than I'd figured. Boy, I am fully on-board the bandwagon that carries the banner exclaiming, "Tim Tebow will be a terrible NFL player") but I hope Tebow doesn't screw it up. I don't mean the Heisman. He might end up winning it by default because the hype starts so early now that he gets votes from people that are basing their votes on preseason publications. I mean that I hope Tebow doesn't screw up the lifetime of devotion he has lined up from UF boosters and graduates and hangers on. He could be even more loved by Gator fans than Steve Spurrier. If he came out of the closet right now, he might be the greatest barrier breaker since Jackie Robinson. SEC fans would be forced to reckon with his Jesus-sucking lips and love for baby penis in a whole different way. And Tebow would still get all the love and respect he gets now. Maybe he would even get more panties and breasts thrown at him because all the stupid college girls would think they had a mission to save the saviour. I don't think he will ever quite come out of the closet (does attending a "gay re-programming" camp count as being outed?) but he could do a lot of good that way. For the award ranking? Tebow really does make the Gators win. In a way I hate watching him. He's a fullback who throws the ball sometimes and it always looks dangerous to me when he does throw. But he's a great fullback.

4.) Jahvid Best, RB, Cal - I might have mentioned that he isn't really having all that great of a year. He got 5 TDs in that one game but only had two good looking runs. But talent goes a long way. And this guy should be the #1 pick in the draft next year. If the Vikings somehow end up with the #1 pick they should either trade Adrian Peterson to the Cowboys (the reverse Herschel Walker trade) or keep Best, Peterson and Taylor, give the QB job back to Tarvaris Jackson, and cut every receiver except Percy. Because at that point a pass is just a trick play and you've got 5 guys on the field that can run it even when the defense is stacked to stop the run. Jahvid Best is the best player in college football but he isn't having a great year. Because his overhyped teammates are still garbage and Jeff Tedford's ability to make terrible QBs look good is wearing out. Goddamn can he recruit RBs, though.

5.) Case Keenum, QB, Houston - I love the Cougars when they pass. It makes me feel safe, like I'm back at home watching David Klingler's whole life take a turn in the wrong direction because the Hurricanes decided to punish the University of Houston for having the audacity to show up and think they could play in the Orange Bowl. Also, I haven't watched anything but highlights of this guy. But I like him a lot.

Others in the picture:

Mt. Cody, fat guy, Alabama - He's the whole reason 'Bama is ranked so high. If you're going to vote for a defensive guy (and I don't mind if you do. I was thrilled with Charles Woodson winning the Heisman, even though he was a WR/KR besides being a CB, and I hate Michigan/the whole Big 10 except for the 11th team in the conference) vote for the one most responsible for his team winning. Eric Berry is great but his team is going to lose 6 games this year. He (Berry) is like the Aeneas Williams of college football. He's great but not transcendent. Mount Cody could be the next Fridge. I'd love to say Trent Richardson (Pensacola, FL!) deserves a vote but he isn't there yet. And Julio Jones hasn't done enough this year to justify a vote. Cody is awesome.

Colt McCoy, QB, Texas - Who am I fucking kidding? This guy is gonna win and he's great. But I hate watching his noodle arm. I hate watching him scramble. I hate Texas. But this is my actual Heisman prediction at this point. Included in this prediction is the understanding that, if somehow everything holds and no other major players are injured, Texas is going to absolutely throttle Oklahoma this year. It will be like 2005 all over again. And my honest pick for best Texas players? Nate Newton's son. That kid is fucking awesome. He's better than Trent Richardson and the freshman RB at Virginia Tech, too. He should get some votes from Texas boosters but he won't.

Jacory Harris, QB, Miami - I still love you, Jacory. We have time. Let's work this thing out!

Jeremy Avery, RB, Boise State - Pretty similar to Ryan Mathews. I don't think either one is a great feature back in the league (really, those are pretty rare. Best might be the only draft-eligible RB that I think that highly of) but they could be pretty good. Reggie Bush without the signing bonus and wasted high draft pick. Avery doesn't get the ball as much as Mathews, though, and he doesn't look quite as fast.

Joe McKnight, RB, USC - You know what's awesome? Seeing USC go through what Miami and FSU went through earlier in the decade. You can't stay that good forever. FSU went as long as is possible being a top 5 team with loads of NFL talent and Miami took it to greater heights than anyone probably ever will again in my lifetime. Seriously. Those FSU and Miami players didn't just get drafted. They went to the NFL and became huge fucking stars. When Andre Wadsworth became a bust is right about when FSU got punctured. When Sean Taylor got shot and Antrel Rolle turned out to be a terrible cover guy with good turnover skills, The U completely flamed out. Now it's USC's turn. They haven't got as many great players in the league now as they did 25 years ago. This isn't even their best era for putting out players, their players are only great in college for the most part. What will be the end result of their dying dynasty? Will it be probation that kills them? Whatever it is, this is the only guy on their team that I like to watch. And he's not all that great. He's just fast.

Tony Pike, QB, Cincinnati - I love this team. And this guy actually looks legit to me. Like he could be a starter in the NFL.

George Selvie, DE, USF - One more defensive guy. I don't know how good FSU's line really is this year but USF killed them. I'm giving all the credit to Selvie because he's the one that's gameplanned. But the whole D-Line looks good for South Florida.

Todd Reesing, QB, Kansas - I never see him playing anyone even passably good (no pun intended) but he looks awesome when I watch him. He's too short to start in the NFL, though. Too bad.

Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri - My favorite QB in the Big 12. All the other guys could be system guys but I'm sold on this one. Guaranteed now that I've said that he will go in the 6th round and never take a snap in the NFL but I will still root for him every preseason to beat out JaMarcus Russell for the 5th QB spot on the Falcons practice squad.
Ed Dickson, TE, Oregon - Really? No, but I like Oregon's team (which means I like Boise State's team a lot better) and I wanted to throw out a pass catcher of some sort. This guy had the best game of any TE this year and my dad's best friend when I was growing up was named Ed Dickson. He took us to a Navy game once. Which leads me to...

Ricky Dobbs, QB, Navy - My last pick. I love Navy. I want Navy to win a National Championship. I'd probably even root for them over Miami. This guy isn't really all that great. He's a good option QB. He's no Tommy Frazier but Frazier never won a Heisman, either. Eric Crouch did. Eric Crouch fucking sucked. He was never any good and he was not the reason Nebraska won anything. He was just the only guy on the team that anyone could remember. And they seemed like a really good team until Miami absolutely shredded them. Also, Ricky Dobbs sounds like that David Cross character from Mr. Show. So Run, Ricky, Run!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Jacory Harris for Heisman!

OK, I will write about football again. Because that's what my lack of readers have demanded. And I'll keep it brief again. Because that makes it easier to do when you don't feel like looking up numbers or research things or just want to arbitrarily (not randomly) assign a meme that you might have seen once or twice a wider cultural significance. I've watched maybe 10 games so far this year (sounds puny, but really, 3 1/3 college football games per week is enough to lose a girlfriend over) and Jacory Harris is the best player I've seen. And I say that full well realizing that I'm a Hurricanes fan. I love the UM commercials where Donna Shalala tries to do "The U" with her hands but it looks like she's pantomiming a tit grab instead. Could nobody on that shoot properly explain "The U" to her and do one more attempt at getting the shot right? I like to imagine that it was like that scene from The Simpsons (maybe 18 years ago? Wow. Shudder. It's possible to have an intelligent conversation with somebody that was born after that episode aired) where they're filming Radioactive Man & Fallout Boy and the star can't pronounce the signature catchphrase, "Up and Atom!" But I will temper my expectations because there is a real chance the 'Canes will lose their next 2 games soundly. VPI's football team is perhaps just as talented as Miami and I'm going to go out on a limb and say Oklahoma has more NFL-ready talent than Miami right now. Also, Miami still has to play North Carolina. I'd love to see the 'Canes go 12-0 and play the Gators for the BCS title. It's at least an outside possibility. Most programs don't spend years and years building to that glory, it seems. The great programs tend to arrive "a year early." See USC, Oklahoma and Florida over the last 10 years for proof. And that's really the whole list because those are the only truly great programs. Yea, that's another zeitgeist buster (sorry, LSU, nobody cares about you) Even the afore-mentioned Hokies football team representing VPI showed up on the national register a little early because of a certain freshman quarterback that just happens to be returning to regular-season NFL life this week. Also, the last time Miami resurrected the program, they should have gotten a title shot a year before they were supposed to. But they had to settle for destroying the Gators in the Sugar Bowl. All this is a way of saying I don't think UM will go 12-0, 11-1, or even 10-2 and, because of that, Jacory Harris won't really win a Heisman. I only hope he doesn't get jobbed out of one in his career the way Kenny Dorsey did. But my preseason pick of Jahvid Best is looking OK right now. He actually hasn't looked as good to me this year as he did last year but he's got a lot of hype on him right now. And that shine is what gets you a trophy, not accomplishments.

Friday, September 18, 2009

College Football prediction

So, there isn't much I want to say because my analysis isn't going to go all that deep but I want this in writing and archived so that I can either look at it and brag on Sunday or delete it and never say anything about it again. FSU is going to rip BYU to shreds tomorrow. In Provo. Remember how BYU destroyed UCLA last year? This is going to be like that except that BYU is going to do the losing. FSU is a tough team that tried to coast against a I-AA school (I hate the new NCAA names for the football divisions, I don't remember which is which and I don't care. I wish I-A would go back to an 11 game schedule and have a 32-team playoff. Or just get rid of I-AA and I-AAA and have a 64 team tournament for all of D-I. It seems like that might work and make money for everyone. I don't have any research to back up my claim that something like that can be profitable for college team sports, it's just a hunch) and didn't wake up until the 4th quarter. BYU is overhyped because they beat Oklahoma. It was a bad game for Oklahoma. BYU will lose 3 games before the bowls. Their first loss will be tomorrow. My prediction? FSU 35, BYU 14. Screw that Sporting News guy. Also, way to go Canes!