I am being admonished by my readership to convert to Judaism. My grandfather on my mother's side would be aghast at the suggestion however since he left that shit back in Latvia so that he could come to America and become a German. Onward and upward bitches, Happy Chanukah! So, now I will take my white sheet out of my mouth and get down to college football prognosticatin'.
First things first is this Heisman Trophy nonsense. I will go on record as saying that Colt McCoy deserves no part of this awards season. He has been blessed by his program but he is an average QB with a noodle arm. Ndamukong Suh is the best player in the country but he is not even half as good as he looked against Texas. Get rid of the fucking ball quicker, McCoy, you're fucking terrible! I would love to see Tebow or Suh win but I feel like Richardson will get it based more on hype than anything he has done on the field. He's a good back but the Emmitt Smith comparisons are out of hand (his teammate, Trent Richardson, is actually a "graduate" of the same high school as Emmitt - P'Cola, motherfuckers! Escambia, motherfuckers! but enough of tha repreez'nt'in). Case Keenum was the most consistently awesome player in the country but his team handed out 84 scholarships for offensive players and then remembered that they had to play defense, too, only there was only 1 more scholarship available so they had to go ahead and use nothing but punters and placekickers as linebackers and defensive linemen. At least that's the impression I got from watching them. Toby Gerhart would be a fair Heisman winner. I think there are a couple of better choices but watched enough of Stanford this year to buy into his hype a little bit. He got them into a good position that I don't think Andy Luck could have gotten them into all by himself. Luck is going to be great next year (so will Owusu) but he makes just enough bad reads that this year could have been a disaster for Stanford if they didn't have Touchdown Tommy II back there to carry the ball 30 times/game. Kellen Moore is in a similar spot to Colt McCoy. He's a good player (understand that I don't really think McCoy sucks except in the context of the Heisman Trophy) but he only belongs in a Heisman discussion with Gino Torreta, Troy Smith and Eric Crouch as his main competition. It's the Ken Dorsey Zone and Ken Dorsey never won the award (rightly so, excepting that he lost to Eric Crouch one year because nobody voting on the awards that season noticed that Miami actually had the top 10 best players in the country all on their roster, starting with Ed Reed at #1).
So my vote for the Heisman would have gone to Suh at the end of the year, Case Keenum in second place and Tommy Verdell, Jr. placing third. I think there are five votes, though, and I would give a vote apiece to Jimmy Clausen and Ryan Mathews. Mathews is my favorite player in football but he missed time and it fucked things up. He will become a star in the league and so will Keenum. I don't know how much I trust any of the other offensive finalists. Obviously, Suh is the choice to go #1 right now but some jackass team will probably trade up and take a shitty QB (perhaps Jimmy Clausen) to go #1, fucking up the franchise and the kid's career all in one fell swoop. Clausen can be great but he needs to come along slowly at the next level. Bowl Predictor!:
Thursday, January 7
No. 2 Texas vs. No. 1 Alabama*
CITI BCS NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
I think I might give up football for a while if Texas wins it all again. I've only now gotten used to the notion that Vince Young should have won the Heisman over Reggie Bush and I don't think my fragile heart can take the notion that Colt McCoy really is as good as it gets in college football right now. I would be fine to (once again) accept the notion that Mark Ingram, Jr. deserves his pub. I don't think he does and I don't think he is any better than the 5th best player on his own roster but I like him and he is good, at least.
Wednesday, January 6
Central Michigan vs. Troy*
LeFlour, Leflah, Eshkoshkah! His name is actually LeFevre but I wanted to make a Boot Camp reference and I can't find a way to fit in another song/album/group name. I don't actually have an expectation of who will win this game. Some people I went to high school with went to Troy State back before it was a I-A school and before they dropped the "State" from the name.
Tuesday, January 5
No. 10 Iowa vs. No. 9 Georgia Tech*
FedEx ORANGE BOWL
I've watched Iowa suck in the Rose Bowl before but I don't usually pay attention to them at all except to root for their unbeaten season to come crashing down around their seeming lack of talent. Ga Tech has some good players to complement the absolute worst QB in the country, including the most obvious talent at WR that I've seen this year. They've also got a good RB. We'll see how things go for them next year when they don't have their top RB or their top WR and they still have to play against a Miami team that looked 3 times as fast as them and a Va Tech team that will be much better. I hate and love the triple option at the same time. It sucks because teams lose to it now just because they haven't played against it before but it is the same offense that Paul Johnson used to make Navy respectable again and it reminds me of the way college football used to be. Maybe Syracuse and Nebraska should go back to the option offenses that won them so many games in the 90s.
Monday, January 4
No. 6 Boise State vs. No. 4 TCU*
TOSTITOS FIESTA BOWL
You know this game pisses me off to no end. These two teams should be playing against other schools to show that they belong in the big money bowls, instead they will beat each other up in what is probably going to be the most awesome game of the bowl season only nobody will watch it and nobody will see how rad college football has become on the margins. Boise is more fun than any team in any major conference and it is not even a little bit close. TCU is unbelievably boring but good God do they do everything right. My conscience tells me TCU could hang with anybody in the country but my heart is with Boise to atone last year's bowl loss.
Saturday, January 2
Michigan State vs. Texas Tech*
VALERO ALAMO BOWL
Texas Tech should run through Sparty because, as I have mentioned before, Michigan State has no heart at all. The problem lies in the inherently weird scenario of taking a month off between games.
Arkansas vs. East Carolina*
AutoZone LIBERTY BOWL
Ryan Mallett is this year's Mark Sanchez. He'll come out, get drafted early, seem like a good pick for a while and then sink into Bolivian and turn out to be a secret bust. Or he could go the Jeff George rout and play well enough to be a star but somehow alienate everybody he has ever played with and end up trying to hang on but not understanding that nobody wants to ever see him again, football be damned. East Carolina is pretty good this year but I haven't actually watched them at all so I don't know why.
No. 19 Oklahoma State vs. Mississippi*
AT&T COTTON BOWL
This is an interesting matchup. I haven't understood at all why either of these teams would have gotten a single vote to be in the top 10 of the polls, let alone enough aggregate votes to pull off a top 10 ranking. They're both very middle of the pack in two very good conferences. I don't know how they match up to each other but I do have the opinion that nobody from the Big XII is as good as their ranking. Ole Miss is garbage, too, but they didn't lose to Southern Miss. Okie State did lose (and badly) to Houston.
South Carolina vs. Connecticut*
I am sad to think so lowly of Steve Spurriers 'Cock team but he hasn't done a very good job there. In comparison, maybe Lou Holtz was a better coach than Spurrier? Spurrier should have retired after the Redskins debacle or come back to Florida. UConn is my pity pick because of the murder and also because I like Randy Edsall for not becoming Notre Dame's new coach. Take that Cincinnati!
South Florida vs. Northern Illinois*
I don't know what the International Bowl is, I don't know who is on the Northen Illinois roster and I don't know why there are 46 bowl games (or whatever the actual number is) but I do know this: USF has two legitimate NFL prospects playing at DE for them and that should be enough to win a shitty bowl game like this even if they are a team of wilting flowers who get frozen any time the temperature drops below 68 degrees.
Friday, January 1
No. 5 Florida vs. No. 3 Cincinnati*
ALLSTATE SUGAR BOWL
You know? I would have chosen Cincy if Brian Kelly had stayed put. Now that he's gone and the interim coach is handling things I think Florida has to take this seriously and make it into the 1991 Cotton Bowl. Taunting and late hit penalties included. For those of you that are unaware, the 1991 Cotton Bowl is the game that made me a real college football fan because it solidified my then nebulous allegiance to the University of Miami Hurricanes. They came in as 3 point underdogs to the Texas Longhorns and came out 46-3 victors with 202 yards in penalties (mostly taunting and unsportsmanlike conduct penalties) and a concrete rep as the bad boys of college football. Here we are 19 years later and The U is still portrayed that way despite a grad rate over 90 for the last 15 years. So Florida has a lot to live up to here for me. Go Gators!
No. 8 Ohio State vs. No. 7 Oregon*
ROSE BOWL GAME PRESENTED BY CITI
I've got some faith in the Pac 10 this year. I'm a little bit biased because I live squarely in Pac 10 country but I'm also not the biggest fan of the Pac 10's schools. My fanhood was already formed by the time I moved to L.A. I like Oregon because they play a good scheme on offense and they have a ton of ahtleticism. They also have two awesome RBs. Ohio State has an overrated QB and some really good linemen on both sides of the ball. Ohio State infuriates me every year by hanging around the Top 10 (if not Top3) and then getting humiliated in the bowls except for one bullshit win over Miami to ruin a 34 game winning streak. Fuck all Buckeyes in perpetuity for that one.
No. 13 Penn State vs. No. 12 LSU*
CAPITAL ONE BOWL
Penn State is soft. LSU has no offense at all. Something's got to give! I think JoePa might go soft now that Bowden is retiring. Wtf else does he have to shoot for? LSU has talent (they always do, even when they sucked in the 90s) and they usually bomb their opponents in the bowl games (see their destruction of Miami a couple years back). Fuck you, Matt Mauck.
No. 16 West Virginia vs. Florida State*
KONICA MINOLTA GATOR BOWL
I think Ponder is still out for this one but I'm only picking FSU as a favor to my long dead pops. He played football for the 'Noles and this is Bobby Bowden's last game as coach. He started at FSU before I was born and he was at West Va before that. I'm leery of this pick because I think West Fucking Virginia! is the better team but somebody's gotta take a payoff to make sure Bowden goes out a winner, don't they? It only seems right.
Northwestern vs. Auburn*
I'm trying to not pick all the SEC teams but it's hard. I am severely biased.
Thursday, December 31
No. 11 Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee*
Okay, here's one! I hope Va Tech knows not to try and pass the ball on Tennessee. Eric Berry could single-handedly destroy them and I think Frank Beamer is smart enough to know that. The Hokies are a running team to begin with so it shouldn't be a problem. I still believe the Kiffins will get the program turned around in Knoxville but I've never been a UT fan. Montario Hardesty is another secretly brittle Tennessee back who should have a bright future but will never make it because of injuries. Look out for him in this game.
Minnesota vs. Iowa State*
Whew! Somebody's got to win. Thank god we don't have a playoff and bowls like this exist. WTF???
Navy vs. Missouri*
Oklahoma vs. No. 21 Stanford*
BRUT SUN BOWL
Toby Gerhart will see a lot of legit NFL talent playing on defense in this game. I don't know how he will handle it but this will go a long way in determining if he is a first rounder or a fullback in the league. Gerald McCoy is looking top 10 right now and Oklahoma might actually have the top 3 RBs in this game. I'm not super sure about that. Gerhart might even get swamped in this game and still be a good pro but his perception will be shifted one direction or the other going into the draft season. My instincts tell me he's a fullback and the Sooners have A LOT to prove in this one. Big Game Bob should finally have his team ready to play in a bowl again.
Houston vs. Air Force*
BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL
Another big-time draft indicator here. If Keenum can pull his normal 500+ yds, 5 td performance against Air Force's D he's basically ready to come out. I think he should but I also think his stock could use a little bump. He's slightly short for the league but he's taller than Drew Brees. I think Brees is a great comp for him, really. If he destroys Air Force I won't just be a nutcase singing to himself on the 'netzzz. He should be a 1st rounder but Brees wasn't and neither was Brady.
Wednesday, December 30
No. 20 Arizona vs. No. 22 Nebraska*
PACIFIC LIFE HOLIDAY BOWL
You think there are draft implications here? You're wrong. The only thing that can affect Suh at this point would be an injury. Other than that he's fucking golden. If he doesn't go #1 it's simply because of team needs (or he's asking for too much money). I'd love to see him go to the Raiders so they could have him and Richard Seymour. Arizona is another team that seems to be pretty good this year but I don't understand why.
Bowling Green vs. Idaho*
ROADY'S HUMANITARIAN BOWL
Let's go, Idaho! We are getting closer to the dregs here. Bowl season is a joke.
Tuesday, December 29
No. 15 Miami (FL) vs. No. 25 Wisconsin*
CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
I talk about dregs and here comes Miami. Whoop. The 'Canes need to win this one. Let me rephrase that. Our boy Randy Shannon needs the 'Canes to win this one. If they pass out like they did last year against Cal, I don't think he's the man to get them over the top. Especially against some Big 10 trash like Wisconsin. Is Wisconsin really trash? They are from the Big 10 but I haven't seen much of them so I don't really know. The Hurricanes are trying to set up for a National Championship next year so they need to be sharp.
Monday, December 28
Texas A&M vs. Georgia*
ADVOCARE V100 INDEPENDENCE BOWL
This actually seems like it would be an upset but I don't read the lines so I don't know if it really is or not. The Advocare V100 Independence Bowl? Wow, things are looking up for UGa. Aggies have a good QB. A really good QB. I forget his name but I watched him against Texas and he looked like a future star.
Sunday, December 27
Kentucky vs. Clemson*
GAYLORD HOTELS MUSIC CITY BOWL
Gaylord Hotels, indeed. Kentucky sucks so Spiller will disappear. Seriously, he is a big stage kind of guy. I don't know what to think of him at the next level. He might be a star in waiting or he could be a loafer. He's got the athleticism to be a total superstar but he might be so inconsistent as a player that he never gets a chance to become a starter let alone a Pro Bowler. Clemson should tear Kentucky to shreds but they might be unable to take this game seriously.
Saturday, December 26
Boston College vs. No. 24 USC*
If USC loses this one...
No. 17 Pittsburgh vs. North Carolina*
MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL
Dion Lewis still seems overrated to me. Butch Davis was great as a DC because he could gameplan a single player into complete ineffectiveness. We'll see if he's still got it. This is a fun matchup for the 'Canes completist. Both of these guys have been staffers at The U.
Marshall vs. Ohio*
LITTLE CAESARS BOWL
Is this a rivalry? I think these schools are pretty close. McConaughey can be very inspirational when he needs to be.
Thursday, December 24
Nevada vs. Southern Methodist*
SHERATON HAWAII BOWL
This is slick. I don't know if Hawaii fans lovetheir old coach or if they hate him for leaving. June Jones should be a hero for building their program from scratch but they are a loss now that he's gone. I think he can get SMU to the same point he had Hawaii at in fairly short order.
Wednesday, December 23
No. 23 Utah vs. California*
SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION POINSETTIA BOWL
I really worry about Jahvid Best. I don't know what to think here. Berkeley is always comepletely backwards from what I expect.
Tuesday, December 22
No. 18 Oregon State vs. No. 14 Brigham Young*
MAACO BOWL LAS VEGAS
I continue to pick against the Fightin' Mormons or whatever.
Sunday, December 20
Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee State*
R+L CARRIERS NEW ORLEANS BOWL
Sure, why not?
Saturday, December 19
UCF vs. Rutgers*
ST. PETERSBURG BOWL
I don't know what to say.
Fresno State vs. Wyoming*
NEW MEXICO BOWL
This pick is based on Ryan Mathews not being cloudy in the head. I want him to be great. I hope he come out this year and somebody is smart enough to draft him before round 3. He's got that Marshall Faulk look about him but he hasn't had any of the hype that Faulk got in college. This is a function of his lack of 300 yd games. Will he get one here? Probably not but I'll probably watch just in case.
That's all, folks! After the BCS title game I'll go back and add up my numbers. Will I write about the NFL Draft? Of course I will! It's the best part of the NFL.