Thursday, October 29, 2009

Heisman Poll of One

I re-discovered Heisman Pundit this week and I wish I hadn't. I don't agree with most of the stuff that's written there and my purity of thought seems compromised. I've got to clear my head to find my original voice again. While Grosse Pointe Blank is playing and I'm in real danger of losing my car because I can't make any money. I want to sell paintings, why is that so hard? I keep watching football and choking on tears. Well, get ready for sadness cause here comes a dollop of who should win the Heisman! Not at all related to who will win the trophy, this is my list of who I would vote for and then a few extras that I'd consider based entirely on games that I've watched. Let me rephrase that. I wouldn't vote for someone I never watched play but stats and game outcomes count for something, too. Even so, my favorite is a guy who plays for an unranked, 3-loss team from a "lesser" conference. Let's just go ahead and do this, okay?

1.) Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State - I'm not joking and I'm not overstating things here. This guy is the best player in the country based on his on-field performance. He's a force of nature. I see a lot of comments on Heisman Pundit that his case is reminiscent of Marshall Faulk's case. Well, I'm ok with that. Marshall Faulk probably deserved 2 Heisman trophies. The problem with Mathews is that he plays on an unhyped team in games that usually start at midnight Eastern Standard Time.

2.) Case Keenum, QB, Houston - This candidate's lack of viability bothers me more than Mathews. Keenum has a fucking great arm and looks fairly polished to me. I've seen him compared to Andre Ware and David Klingle as a "system" quarterback but isn't it more fair to compare him to a QB from the same system? I've tried to get across how much I love the run & shoot offense and my memories of Ware and Klingler probably outstrip actual performance for both of them but let's be realistic. Case Keenum is like a better version of Kevin Kolb, the QB that directly preceded him at UH. If you watched Kolb play when Donovan McNabb got hurt, you can probably take that as a complement. Keenum looks amazing when I watch him. He hits every throw and he's pretty great at avoiding pressure. His yardage numbers were lower than normal last week but his team won easily.

3.) Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame - I really would have liked it if he pulled off the upset against USC. It would've made everything else academic. He'd be the winner. He pulled them back and had them in position to win all on the strength of his arm. Then this motherfucker goes and makes three terrible reads and three terrible throws in a row to end the game. Jimmy, Jimmy, you need to come back next year because you need some polish. Especially if Notre Dame hires a really good coach this offseason. I like watching Clausen play and he's been this good but I can't put my heart behind him after he lost his composure when he needed it most.

4.) Terrence Cody, DT, Alabama - I'm keeping him on the list. I've been saying it all year. Just because he doesn't produce stats doesn't mean he's not the best player on the field 99% of the time he's out there. He plays a position that doesn't produce a lot of stats. And he does not play in a scheme like Ndamukong Suh where it's a possibility. Suh reminds me of Richard Seymour and Cody reminds me of Sam Adams. Pretty good players. I don't even know that one is over the other in NFL history and I could see the argument that Suh is more "projectable" to the league. But 'Bama's defense is better than Nebraska's and the fact that Ronaldo McClain and Javier Arenas are free to make all the plays they make, plus the fact that Alabama is a legitimate argument for #1 in the country puts Cody higher on my voting list. Blocked field goals are pretty equal.

5.) Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska - Okay, I give up. This goddamned motherfucker is the baddest fuck in the Big XII. Nobody can fuck with him. I don't want anything to do with hyping Nebraska but this dude kills. Too bad his team sucks. He should have gone somewhere else. Like Miami. Fuck this guy.

The rest of the bests:

Tim Tebow, QB, Florida - I am sick of him putting me to sleep every week. You're supposed to be the best. I want to believe it. Everyone is waiting to believe it. I don't believe it right now.

Colt McCoy, QB, Texas - Fuck you.

Ryan Williams, RB, Virginia Tech - I like him better as a player than Mark Ingram. And then Va Tech goes and shits themselves against Georgia Tech. Which leads us to...

John Dwyer, RB, Georgia Tech - Good runner disappeared against Miami and then got hurt, in that order. He does not make me want to watch.

C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson - I never know what to expect from this guy. He's good in big games and then disappears against bullshit teams. The "total yardage leader" mantle is kind of bullshit. If Ryan Mathews were returning kicks I have a feeling he could do pretty well there, too.

Noel Devine, RB, West Virginia - Why is he down here? I forgot to put him in the top 5. I would have put him 3rd and moved everyone else back accordingly if I hadn't spaced out. Devine is worth the time investment of watching a West Virginia game.

Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama - I like him. I do. But he is in a good position. He's a legit 1st rounder in the 2011 NFL Draft. His backup is a legit top 5 pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. And Julio Jones takes some pressure away from Ingram, too. Because teams have to watch Greg McElroy staring at Julio Jones all day long. Even on handoffs.

Kellen Moore, QB, Boise State - Because he leads the nation in passing efficiency? No, because he needs to be addressed again as the machine rolls around in his direction. Kellen Moore is good. He's not great. He's not irreplaceable and he doesn't belong in the discussion. But he's there.

Golden Tate, WR, Notre Dame - Again, move it along. He's good but not that good.

Demayrius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech - Best receiver in the country. Barely registers because his team only throws about 5 times per game.

Jacory Harris, QB, Miami - Jacory, you kill me. What's up with the INT's, you little fucker? You fucked up against Clemson and you goddam well know it. Get it together or The U is going to slip again. You know what I'd rather have than your accountability? 2 more wins.

I'm cutting out right here. I'm not linking to non-contender contenders. I should have put a link on Noel Devine but I am lazy and sick of thinking about this dumb shit.