Better late than never with these things. I picked tonight's game right, anyway, so I'm already heading for the right trajectory. I messed up the math somewhere and ended up with a statistically impossible 265 total wins league-wide so I did what anybody would do: I took one win away from the Patriots. My method was simple. I predicted an imaginary, baseless outcome for each and every regular season game and then added up the records (minus that one Patriots win). My player predictions will start this off. I didn't pretend to have any imaginary totals to add up so I'm not giving out any fake yardage totals. I'm dumb but I ain't no idiot.
MVP: Aaron Rodgers, QB, Green Bay - I don't even have the Packers winning the NFC, which was actually a surprise to me. But Aaron Rodgers is a hyp magnet who will throw for a ton of yards and he's never won anything before. He's a perfect sponge for market saturation.
Rushing Champion: Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee - He's cocky and he's really fast. The most amazing thing he did last year isn't the part of his statistical domination getting stuffed down eveyone's throats. Yeah, 2500 yds rushing sounds ridiculous but so should 2500 yds from scrimmage. He actually did the latter last year and he didn't have a ton of touches. He'll be the best again this year.
Receiving Champion: Marques Colston, WR, Saints - He's got one not super-impressive game under his belt as I write this. But I think he'll have the best season of any WR in the league, beating out Greg Jennings, Andre Johnson, Michael Crabtree and some other guys I'm not thinking of right now.
DPOY: Patrick Willis, LB, 49ers - Just wait til you see the batshit crazy stuff I've got going on in the standings predictions. Pat Willis will take the spot that Revis held last year: most talked about player in the league that the casual fan can't really follow or understand but they just get accepted as great because said fans want to look like they know what they're talking about. 49ers might havethe best D in the league this year.
ROY: Ndamakuong Suh, DL, Lions - I'm sure I f'd up his name but look, motherfucker, I've got the Lions at 8-8. Matt Stafford isn't that good yet. Suh will make the Lions way better. My other considerations were Sam Bradford (he'll be good but he's going to turn the ball over a lot this year), Ryan Matthews (San Diego throws too much for him to tear it up the way he should this year), DeMariyous Thomas (hurt too much), and Kyle Wilson (he'll get a bunch of picks as a nickel back but he won't start many games).
Surprise Star: Deon Butler, WR, Seahawks - I expect a 1,000 yd season out of this guy. He'll be this year's Miles Austin.
And here goes nothing:
AFC
East
New England 11-5 - boring, old, not really that boring because they throw the ball 65 times/game.
Miami 10-6 - boring, not that old.
NY Jets 6-10 - disappointment to end all disappointments after the NY media hype of the last 90 days.
Buffalo 5-11 - truly awful. CJ Spiller is not a 300 carry kind of guy, I don't think. He's like an Eric Metcalf clone.
North
Baltimore 13-3 - top seed in the AFC by record but not exactly a rock solid Super Bowl pick
Cincinnatti 8-8 - I really expected more out of my imaginary Bengals
Pittsburgh 7-9 - I have them as the last team to win a game in the league. Ol' Rapey Greycock might turn it on when he gets back but this team is fucked.
Cleveland 7-9 - I was really surprised at how poorly I had them finishing. Don't worry Cleveland fans, Mike Holmgren will not chain your franchise to the neck of future horrible pro QB Jake Locker.
South
Indianapolis 12-4 - and this would be a down year for them. Terrible coaches can only coast on the prior regime's program for so long, though, so expect the facade to start cracking this year.
Tennessee 11-5 - yeah, that's right. Chris Johnson will get some MVP votes of his own this year.
Houston 8-8 - this team might never get it all the way right. Matt Schaub is better than Mike Vick, at least.
Jacksonville 4-12 - still might not get Jack del Rio fired somehow
West
Oakland 8-8 - worst division winner of the year
Denver 8-8 - will get swept by Oakland, of all things, to narrowly snatch their hard-won label as chokers out of the seeming inevitability of a playoff run.
Kansas City 7-9 - they should run a lot more than they will.
San Diego 4-12 - see? Ryan Mathews can't win shit when his team is the worst team in the worst division in football!
NFC
East
NY Giants 10-6 - best football team in the Meadowlands II.
Dallas 8-8 - somewhat surprising to see them suck this bad. God will do anything to keep a home team from playing in the Super Bowl, though, as has been proven by top scientists the world over.
Washington 7-9 - it seems like they are in a similar position every year.
Philadelphia 6-10 - record will make the season seem worse than the reality. They'll be stronger in 2011.
North
Green Bay 12-4 - dominant seeming team won't even get homefield in their conference.
Minnesota 10-6 - Favre will not go out on top but he won't be an outright embarrassment, either.
Detroit 8-8 - this is like winning the Super Bowl for the Lions.
Chicago 3-13 - and with the first pick in the 2011 NFL Draft...
South
New Orleans 12-4 - I'm just guessing on the tiebreaker going their way.
Atlanta 12-4 - I've got a really good feeling about this team.
Tampa Bay 5-11 - look! They aren't in last place!
Carolina 3-13 - this is my least likely prediction in this whole stupid game I'm playing. This team might be terrible but, come on, 3 wins? I guessed it all so I'm going with it. This feels shaky.
West
San Francisco 13-3 - I really had no intention or expectation of San Francisco being this good. I believe it, though. They've got talent, discipline and a tissue soft schedule. This is a fluke thing, though, so don't count on it extending into the playoffs.
Seattle 7-9 - better than the record indicates? No, about exactly that good.
Arizona 5-11 - expect the unexpected disaster on every play from Arizona this year.
St. Louis 4-12 - this will count as improvement. They'll be fine in 2012 if the NFL still exists then.
PLAYOFFS
Round 1
Brett Favre's career will end, fittingly, at Lambeau Field when the Packers destroy the Vikings.
Atlanta will beat the Giants at the Meadowlands.
In a not exciting for anybody rubber match, the Patriots will beat the Dolphins in Foxboro thanks to some predictably lousy officiating.
Tennessee will find a way to lose to Oakland just to extend the joke of Oakland being in the playoffs in the first place.
Round 2
Green Bay vs. New Orleans will be one of the best playoff games of all time. I have a tough time picking either team as the winner. I'll say Green Bay just because the Saints won it all last year.
San Francisco will surprisingly wallop the Falcons in a matchup of former rivals.
Indianapolis and New England will bore the country to sleep before Indy wins by default.
Baltimore will beat Oakland in one of the worst playoff games of all time. It's just the way it is.
Championship Round
San Francisco will crumble in a haze of Alex Smith turnovers at home to catapult Green Bay into the Super Bowl to meet...
Baltimore! Take that Irsay! The Colts will meet their demise in Baltimore. It will be very poetic.
SUPER BOWL
Baltimore vs. Green Bay - Joe Flacco will play the game of his life only to be superceded in MVP voting by LeRon McLain (sp? - remember this is a strict no research blog) who will somehow break out for a bunch of long runs. Green Bay will be great in the deep passing game but will get all kinds of ruined on short routes and in the running game. Ray Murda will announce his retirement at the end of the game but will play two more seasons anyway.
So there you have it, the big gay NFL Predictions Roundup brought to you by the comedy corporation, Laugh-O! I leave to you the most enduring and beautiful testament to Western culture history us thus far bequeathed us:
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