Wednesday, August 31, 2011

NCAA 2011 FOOTBALL: Eve of Destruction

Okay, so this post is a little bit of a disaster. I had planned to roll out my big brand new plan for the season: predict only once at the beginning of the year every single game outcome and then stick to it. Nothing changes week-to-week. So what's the problem? I don't know how to edit the documents I used to use on my new computer. So it's taking way too long to put the schedule into a format that I can write over. If any of you Chinese or Russian purveyors of dick pills that read and comment on my site could help me out with excel or word documents with the entire FBS schedule on them, I would be forever grateful. I don't want helmets, TV schedules, highlighted bullshit, FCS schedules or any other bullshit. Just something I can use right out of the box. Maybe I'll work on this problem tomorrow myself but I think I know better. Anyway, I've cast my die and will now sort it out as we go. I should have done this all last week. So, enough with the set up, on to the terrible stuff.



National Champion:
University of Miami Hurricanes
Reasons this doesn't count: I'm a homer and I'm just predicting this the same way I do every year. There is the obvious specter of probation shadowing this team. They are weak at QB and they play Ohio State without Ray-Ray Armstrong. Seantrel Henderson is out for at least the first half of the season.
Reasons it could happen: Lamar Miller. Al Golden. The universe will bend itself around my head. It's the secret!

Backup plan (besides Navy):
Wisconsin Badgers
I don't really have a good reason for this but when I plotted out my wins and losses for the year, Wisky came up undefeated. They are the only team (other than Navy & Miami) that did. Do I believe it? Nope. It's possible but I think I had Auburn pegged as a 7-6 team last year. Basically, this is the dart that hit closest to the center for me. Russell Wilson is involved so expect Wisconsin to not fare particularly well.

Heisman Winner:
Lamar Miller, RB, Miami - Yeah right. Well, they should run him a bunch this week so we'll get some idea. If he gets 15-20 carries against Maryland, forget it. He won't see the ball enough to take home the hardware and Miami won't win enough games for it to matter. I want him to be up in the big names section of the year-in-reviews next January. He's huge and as fast as Willis McGahee used to be.

Other Dudes I'm Watching:
Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford - Yeah, no shit. The Cardinal should be about as good as last year so they might actually contend for the national championship. Which is crazy. The Pac 12 isn't great, I don't suppose, so that should help and come in handy for this kid. He's really good.

Ronnie Hillman, RB, San Diego State - Marshall Faulk was a huge deal in college and he never won it. San Diego State is even more of an afterthought now than it was then. The coach is gone. I'd be surprised, all things considered, if this guy isn't in the top 5 in the country in YPG. He's fun to watch but this is a West Coast only affair so he probably won't get any notice whatsoever until the end of the year when someone looks up and says, "Holy shit! There's a sophomore in San Diego that's rushed for almost 3 billion yards and scored 400 TDs this year! I discovered him!" That person will be Dan Wetzel. Fuck that guy.

Manti Te'o, LB, Notre Dame - Somebody has to be a candidate at a position that has no chance to win, somebody from Notre Dame has to be a candidate, and all the DL talent infused in South Bend will help this guy more than anybody. He needs a TD or two early on to really get notice but he might get the throwaway invite to New York at the end of the year just because he'll have like 180 tackles on the year even if he doesn't get turnovers or sacks. I'm not saying he won't get turnovers and sacks, just that it isn't necessarily what will get him to New York. Being the sparkplug for an inevitably over-rated Notre Dame team will get it. Also, Michael Floyd is there but he will do something dumb and miss at least 3 games. He's also a WR and they don't have a shot unless they return kicks or play CB.

Landry Jo... Just stop it. I will absolutely not support a cog like this as a candidate. That double goes for the chunky lesbian who takes snaps for Boise State. Don't buy the hype on that kid, he isn't an all-time great.

Michael Dyer, RB, Auburn - He's a bad mo'fo but there's no chance in hell another War Eagle wins it this year. No way. I'm also not sure he will get enough carries just because it seems like spread RBs don't get enough carries.

LaMichael James, RB, Oregon - All that shit I said for Dyer goes for LaMichael James, too. He's awesome. He'll be a decent pro RB. He won't get as many yards or TDs this year as he had last year.

Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama - Might get suspended at some point because it seems really likely that his family has some close ties to at least one booster. Alabama goes out of their way to not let anyone be bigger than the team. Richardson will be the best NFL back since Adrian Peterson, though, so there's a shot he gets some burn. He's on a legit title contender.

Matt Barkley, QB, USC - He's pretty good. He's very well publicized.

Justin Blackmon isn't going to win shit. Get ready for a dumb suspension. Alshon Jeffery is the best WR in the country anyway. Fuck the Big 12 and any stats compiled in that league. There has got to be a B1G candidate out there but I can't say Dennard Robinson. It just wouldn't make sense. I'll get back to you on that one.


Surprise Teams:
I like SMU as the off-brand team of the year. TCU and Boise can't be the bottom feeding kings forever. I like Louisville to win the Big East. USF could also take the most borderline of BCS conferences. Both Louisville and USF are loaded with kids from Florida. Houston should bounce back but I'm not sure they'll be much of a surprise even if they win 10 games. I like Georgia to come back to life this year. I don't think they have any chance to win the SEC but they could be a 10 win team. Also, they have my top Heisman contending freshman. I've got San Jose State winning 8 games. That surprised me. I'd bet it would surprise other people as well.

That's all for now. I'll be back. I might post my notated schedule tomorrow but don't count on it.

Here is the season in a nutshell (no, not really but this is spectacular even though it was filmed on a burning VHS camcorder):

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